The other day I was driving by the marquee of a local movie theatre, took a quick glance, then did a double-take as I passed it and exclaimed, “Wow! I gotta go and see that!”
So I found a parking space, sprinted into the box office, and walked quickly up to the ticket counter.
“Can I help you?”
I said, “Yes, please.”
I looked at the board behind him, squinting my eyes and trying to focus on the blurry list of movies and, not wanting to repeat the name aloud in front of the children standing in line, pointed at the display and said, “Can I have one ticket to that movie, right there?”
The kid turned to see where I was pointing and said, “Yes, sir, there you go.”
I took my ticket and asked anxiously, “Did the movie start yet? I don’t want to miss any of it.”
He said, “The movie just started a couple minutes ago. You didn’t miss much. Enjoy the show.”
I said, “Great,” hurried over to the concession counter, bought some popcorn and candy, then ran for the theater with a bounce in my step, almost skipping like a child with delight and anticipation as I thought to myself, “Wow, I can’t wait to see this! This movie is gonna be great. I am sooo psyched!”
I walked into the dark theatre and found a seat.
I started watching the movie, sitting on the edge of my seat with excitement… but, after a few minutes, a profound look of disappointment and bewilderment fell over my face.
“What the hell is this shit on the screen?” I wondered.
It was some kind of Harry Potter-type production with magic and wizards and all these weird, mythical creatures.
I angrily muttered under my breath, “What the fuck is going on here?”
I finally nudged the guy sitting next to me and whispered, “Excuse me, sir, I’m just a little confused. What’s this movie we’re watching?”
He leaned over towards me, covered his mouth with his hand, and whispered quietly into my ear, “It’s called ‘Fantastic Beasts’… it’s written by the same woman who wrote all the Harry Potter books.”
The wind abruptly left my sails.
I said, “Are you serious? It’s called ‘Fantastic Beasts?’”
“Ya,” he repeated, ‘Fantastic Beasts.’ “
I slumped down in my chair… “Oh man, you gotta be shitting me! I am such a fucking idiot… I really need to get my eyes examined.”
The man whispered back curiously, “Why? What’s the problem?”
I said, “Honest to God, when I was driving by the theatre, I could have sworn the movie marquee said, ‘Fantastic Breasts.’”
He chuckled to himself and said, “Ha ha… ‘Fantastic Breasts!’ Ha ha! No wonder you’re bummed out, I’d rather be watching that movie too!”
I stayed and watched the movie, but there wasn’t a nipple to be seen.
I’m scheduling an appointment with an optometrist next week.