#33: Whether the Weather


Do you know what’s a very difficult job?
Being a weatherman in New England.
The weather is always changing and it can be very unpredictable, so they can’t seem to get the forecast right half the time.

Meteorologists now have the benefit of all these advanced technological systems such as sophisticated radar, satellite imaging, complex computer models, and thermal scans… but it doesn’t matter, because they still don’t have a clue when it comes to predicting the weather and it makes it difficult to make plans with any certainty.
I think that I could do a much better job of forecasting the weather because, based on experience, I have a fool-proof system that is guaranteed to work.
Please allow me to demonstrate…
Example #1:
“Hi, this is meteorologist Paul D’Angelo with today’s Accu-Weather Forecast.
“Let’s take a look the map and see what I have planned for today…
”OK, this is where I live, right about here (pointing to map) where I have invited around forty people over my home for a cookout in my backyard this afternoon.
“And I also have tickets to the Red Sox game tonight and Fenway Park is located (pointing) right over here, only a half hour drive from my home.
“Besides that, I not only washed and waxed my car just this morning, but I’m pretty-sure that I forgot to put the back windows up, and that vehicle is parked right around here. (again indicating the location on the map)
“So that pretty much absolutely, positively guarantees that there is a 110% probability of a deluge of torrential downpours throughout the day and into the evening in this very same vicinity (pointing and beginning an angry rant) because that’s what happens every time I try to plan something like this, dammit!
“Now everybody’s gonna be dragging their muddy feet thru my fucking house, the interior of my car is gonna be flooded, and the Sox game’s gonna be rained out and postponed to a night when I can’t go because I’ll have to work. Trust me, it never fails!! You can count on it! Son of a bitch! I just know it!
(composing myself) “OK, now back to you, Tom.”
Example #2:
“Hi, this is your friendly weatherman Paul D’Angelo with your weekend weather update.
“Well, it sure is a dreary, drizzly, damp Saturday in August, but cheer-up people! The nice weather is on its way!
“Overnight all of these clouds will be moving out and a warm front is moving in, which means that Sunday is going to be sunny and hot. It will be a perfect day for golfing, boating, or just relaxing on the beach.
“And how do I know that, you ask?
(starting another enraged rant) “I know that because I have to go to some stupid Jack & Jill baby shower for some friggin’ people that I don’t even know! So of course it’s going to be beautiful out!
“Who the hell plans shit like this on a weekend in August anyway?… Idiots, that’s who!!!
“And why do I have to go?… They don’t care if I’m there! All they want is my damn gift! It’s a big scam, I tell you! A total rip-off! And I’m going to be miserable!”
(settling down, once again) “Now, let’s go to Bob with the latest sports news…”
Example #3:
“Good evening, this meteorologist Paul D’Angelo with the Channel-4 holiday forecast.
“Well, it’s a holiday, and that means I’ll be spending the day with my family…
“This is my mother’s house… (pointing to map) right here… and, as usual, you can expect that a massive high-pressure area will be building-up right around my mom’s home whenever the family gets together.
“This change in the atmosphere will cause a few scattered flurries between some members of my family and, of course, these squalls will be immediately followed by an icy, cold blast of frigid, arctic air coming from my mother… most likely developing into a major tropical depression throughout the house for the remainder of the day.
“Meanwhile, grandpa will be sitting in the corner and, from time to time during the day, he’ll be providing us all with an occasional gust of a foul and nasty wind.
“And that should wrap things up. Have a great holiday weekend!”