#2 Be Careful What You Wish For







I worked construction on the town’s Water & Sewer Department for five summers when I was in college. Believe me, there was no shortage of characters on that job, among which were a couple of co-workers who could be a little ‘crude’ at times.
I recall one occasion when we were installing a water main on a busy street and a very pretty teenage girl rode past the construction crew on her bicycle.
I was working a jackhammer and stopped for a moment to check her out.
One of the older guys, leaning on his shovel, was practically drooling over the cute girl on her bike and remarked, in a creepy, lecherous way, “Man, if I died, I sure would like to come back as her bicycle seat.”
I thought that was pretty funny, but I also contemplated how that wish could possibly backfire on him.
I imagined this pervert, standing out in the middle of the street and not paying attention to traffic as he leered lustfully at the pretty young girl, mesmerized in fantasy… and getting struck and killed by a passing car.
The next time he opened his eyes, I pictured him looking straight up into the sky and thinking to himself… “Where am I? What happened?”
He’d try to look around, only to realize, “I can’t move my head at all. I can only look up. All I can see is the sun and some clouds. What the hell is going on here?”
Then, a flashback…
“Wait, now I remember… standing next to the trench, the car speeding towards me, getting thrown into the air, hearing the sound of sirens… then nothing.”
He’d move his eyes up and down, back and forth, in an attempt to view his surroundings.
“Wait a second. What are those? They look like handlebars… They ARE handlebars. What happened to me? Where the hell am I?”
The next thing he hears is the sweet voice of an innocent young girl… “Yes, that’s my bicycle. I just love riding it. I’m always hopping on it. I take it everywhere.”
Suddenly, a revelation.
“Oh my God, I can’t believe it! Somehow my wish came true! I died and I’ve been reincarnated as that pretty girl’s bicycle seat!
He is psyched.
“Oh baby, this IS heaven! Come on, you little hottie, take a nice, long ride on daddy’s face. I’m waiting for that adorable little butt of yours, sweet-cheeks! Yum-yum!”
Then the girl says, sadly, “Ya, I sure love my bike, but I just won’t be needing it anymore, now that I got my driver’s license. I only hope you enjoy it as much as I did, Wally.”
Then, out of the corner of his eye, the perv sees some sweaty, obese, pimple-faced, goofy teenage kid picking his nose and hovering over the bike, guffawing, “Awww, cool! And I’m gonna ride it alllllllll the time because my parents told me I have to lose some weight… I’ll just ride it to the Burger King every day! Ha ha ha. Thank you, Heather!”
Then he mounts the bike and… from between his massive, musty, clammy, foul-smelling, ass-cheeks… the fat kid cannot hear the muted, muffled cries of “NOOO! HELP ME! THIS IS NOT WHAT I SIGNED-UP FOR! GET ME OUT’A HERE!… I CHANGED MY MIND! I WAS JUST KIDDING! IT WAS JUST SOMETHING I SAID!… I’M SUFFOCATING!… THIS FAT KID’S ASS STINKS LIKE A TRUCK-STOP MEN’S ROOM!… PLEASE, HELP ME!”