#11: Girls and Golf

Pink Golf Ball - Girls and Golf

Girls and Golf

I like to go golfing, but I don’t get to do it nearly enough.
One of the reasons that guys like to golf so much is that they get to hang out with their friends all day and, let’s be honest, there’s no wife or girlfriend out there to criticize or judge you.
When it’s just the guys you can say whatever you want… and nobody cares.
You can burp out loud… and you can pee in the woods… Nobody cares
You can tell dirty jokes, smoke a cigar, and flirt with the young girl in the beverage cart… and it doesn’t matter, because your friends don’t give a shit.
It’s all good!
That is, until one day, as I was leaving to play golf with some of my buddies, when my girlfriend said to me…
“Paul, you’re always busy and we really don’t get to spend enough time together. I was thinking that, maybe I should take up golf so I can go golfing with you and your friends. Wouldn’t that be fun? What do you think?”
Upon hearing this frightening proposal, I panicked and immediately thought to myself…
“Holy shit! I have to talk her out of that stupid idea right now!”
I said, “Fun?… Do you think I have fun playing golf with my friends?”
“Well… ya. Don’t you guys have fun?”
“Ha! Apparently you don’t know anything about the game of golf,” I said.
“You know that I don’t know a thing about golf, Paul, but you can teach me!”
I said, “I have news for you… Golf is not fun… In fact, golf can be very dangerous and I would never want to see you risk getting hurt.”
“I could get hurt?”
“Oh ya! There’s a lot of scary stuff going on out there… violent things like, like hooking… and… and… and, um, slicing… ya, slicing… a-and traps and hazards.”
“There are traps and hazards?”
I said, “All kinds of hazards.”
“That sounds intense.”
“It is… And they even have these horrid things called ‘Dog-Legs’ on the course.”
She was horrified. “Dog-Legs? Really? That sounds gross!”
“Trust me, they are,” I said. “You care about your appearance. Why would a pretty girl like you take a chance of getting ‘Dog-Legs’?”
She made a face. “Ugh! That’s disgusting!… I don’t want dog’s legs..”
“Well did you know this? I’ve actually seen a golfer choke on an 18-inch putt.”
“He choked on it, Paul?”
“He sure did… In front of all of his friends!… It was horrifying, and there’s was nothing any of us could do about it.”
“Oh my, that is horrible!”
“You’re telling me,” I said. “Right after he choked, the poor guy was all doubled-over and convulsing like he was having spasms… and it was like he was talking in tongues.”
She was shocked. “Wow!”
I said, “Ya, I couldn’t believe the horrible things that came out of his mouth. It was painful to watch… and I would never, ever want you to gag on something… See? I’m just trying to protect you.”
“Thank you, Paul.”
“You’re welcome,” I said, “…but it’s not only thing that can happen when you’re golfing. It gets worse… Every now and then a golfer will take a stroke… Right there out on the course!”
“They’ll actually take a stroke?… Seriously, Paul?”
“Oh ya, it happens all the time… even to the healthiest of golfers. “
She seemed surprised. “It does?”
I said, “It sure does. Why do you think so many players have a handicap?”
She said, “I always wondered why they used that term.”
“Exactly… and besides the obvious health hazards, golf is actually a lot more like ‘work’ than it is ‘play’.”
“I thought it was a game… It’s like work, Paul?”
“It sure is. For example, I bet you didn’t know that you have to repair all of your divots, rake all the sand-traps, and wash your own golf-balls.”
“You do?”
“Oh ya… Consider this… Do you really want to spend your day off doing maintenance, more yard-work and another load of wash?”
She shook her head. “Not really.”
“I didn’t think so… And, you have to believe me, nobody’s enjoying themselves out there.”
She registered surprise. “They’re not enjoying themselves, Paul?”
“Not at all… In fact, I can prove it… Ask anyone. Every single hole, golfers are teed-off… The 1st guy is teed off… then the next guy’s teed off… then the next guy, and the next guy. And on and on it goes… eighteen times a day!”
“Wow. No kidding, Paul?”
“Nope. It seems everyone takes a turn being teed-off… That’s why there’s always a lot of swearing and cursing involved.”
“That’s why?”
“It’s only one of the reasons… And finally, think about this… When we’re alone together, do I need to remind you how much you dislike it when I have to keep yelling at you to ‘KEEP YOUR DAMN HEAD DOWN!!’?”
“You’re right. I hate it when you do that!… It hurts my neck.”
“See? “I’m just thinking of you, baby.”
“You’re always watching out for me, Paul.”
“What can I say? I’m just a nice guy… Now let me go, I’m going to be late!… Bye!!!!”
“Bye Paul! Be careful!… Don’t get hurt!”
“Thanks! I’ll try.”
As I turned and walked away with my golf clubs, I hid a sly smile on my face as I chuckled and thought to myself…
“I can’t believe she fell for that bullshit!… Boy, I am good!”
While, at the very same time, she was thinking to herself…
“Nice try, you lyin’ sack-of-shit… How stupid do you think I am?”


(note to my blog subscribers: Sorry I missed last Monday’s post, but I buried one of my dearest friends, comedian Bob Seibel, on that day. Bob was one of the most incredible human beings I have ever had the privilege of knowing and it was a honor to be his friend for 30 years.)