#5 The Real Academy Awards

Academy oscar

The Real Academy Awards

Actors do not impress me.
How hard can it be to act on a TV show or a movie?
If you screw-up your lines the director will say, “Let’s try it again… Take two”… or take three… or four… or fourteen… or twenty-seven… or however many times it takes to get it right…
Or he might say, “That’s OK, we can fix it in post-production”… or they can do a voice-over… add special effects… etc.
There’s no pressure on them to perform.
The actors I respect are everyday people… like you and me… who need to lie in real situations and have to be thoroughly convincing the very first time… people who don’t get a second chance if they flub their lines.
Real people who need to be credible because they’re performing live, without a safety net, and have their asses on the line.
They are the true actors who should be honored at an awards ceremony… not those pampered Hollywood phonies.
I can see it now…
A tuxedoed host at a podium announces… “And now, it’s my honor to make the presentation of the award for Best Actor or Actress in a Drama…
“The nominees are…
“Howard the Coward of Somewhere-or-Another, Nebraska, for his convincing display of bullshit in the classic, ‘Of course you’re not getting fat, sweetheart. I think the extra weight looks good on you’.”
“Our next nominee is Anita Springerguest from Who-the-Hell-Cares, Ohio, for her compelling late night, bedroom-scene delivery of, ‘Believe me, I’ve never done this on a first date before’.”
“The third nominee is Danny Denial of Podunk, Alabama, for his credible enactment in a crowded elevator with a performance of… (sniff, sniff) ‘It wasn’t me’!”
“Nominee number four is Harry Henpecked of Wherever, California, for his persuasive deception at a cocktail party with the spontaneous fabrication of, ‘The young girl with the big boobs and the low-cut dress? No, I didn’t notice her, honey… but I think it’s disgusting’!”
(wild applause)
“Our fifth contender is Almost Any Defendant of Could-Be-Anyplace, Any-State, in almost any courthouse, for his or her seemingly earnest witness-stand line of, ‘I swear to tell truth, whole truth and nothing but truth, so help me God’.”
*A-a-a-a-a-and the winner is…”
“No surprise… It’s President Barack Obama for deceiving our country with an endless combination of whoppers, starting with…
‘I promise to have the most transparent administration of any President.’
‘You can keep your health plan if you want to.’
‘The Islamic State of Iraq and Syria (ISIS) is not Islamic.’
‘This is all George Bush’s fault.’
‘I will never let Iran develop a nuclear bomb on my watch.’
‘Obamacare will cut the cost of a typical family’s premiums by up to $2,500 a year.’
‘I do solemnly swear that I will faithfully execute the office of President of the United States, and will to the best of my ability, preserve, protect, and defend the Constitution of the United States’.”
(standing ovation)