PRESTON RAMSEY III (O.S.)

You're absolutely right...

SHOT REVEALS PAUL BEHIND HIS DESK AND A HANDSOME, CLASSY, WEALTHY MIDDLE-AGED MAN SEATED ACROSS FROM HIM WITH HIS STUNNING, MUCH-YOUNGER WIFE IN A REVEALING DRESS; PAUL IS LEANING FORWARD, CHIN ON HAND, MESMERIZED BY THE HOT WIFE

PRESTON RAMSEY III (CRITICAL)

She can't cook. She doesn't clean...

(PAUL IS FIXATED; NEVER TAKES GAZE AWAY TO ACKNOWLEDGE HUSBAND)

PAUL MURPHY (DREAMY SMILE)

So? Get a maid... Housework is so "icky"... errrr.

PRESTON RAMSEY III (CRITICAL)

All she is interested in is playing tennis, keeping her tan and spending my money.

PAUL MURPHY (STILL ENRAPTURED)

You'll make more. What are you saving it for?

(PAUL GESTURES TO WIFE)

PAUL MURPHY (CON'T; CHANGING DIRECTION)

Have you taken a look at your wife? She is absolutely unbelieeeeeev-ably upset about all this.

TIFFANY RAMSEY (BIMBO-ISH)

It never seemed to bother him before.

PAUL MURPHY (STILL FOCUSED ON HER)

What is HIS problem?

PRESTON RAMSEY III 

You have no idea what it's like. I swear, the deepest conversation we have is

(MIMICS WIFE, SHOWS FINGERNAILS)

"Does this nail polish go with my lipstick?"

TIFFANY RAMSEY 

He thinks its easy, keeping myself beautiful.

(TIFFANY STANDS AND POSES FOR PAUL, WHO IS NOW LEANING BACK IN HIS CHAIR)

TIFFANY RAMSEY (CONT'D)

Don't you think the workouts with my personal trainer are paying off?

(SHE IS SO HOT, PAUL UNINTENTIONALLY STARTS CLICKING HIS BALLPOINT PEN AT A FRENZIED PACE, THEN REALIZES WHAT HE'S DOING, TOSSES IT DOWN & COMPOSES HIMSELF)

PAUL MURPHY 

You know.... life throws us enough curve-balls without creating additional problems that can be avoided with just a little patience and understanding. Take me and my wife Patty, for example. We've had our disagreements, but we always work out our differences and, as a result, our marriage has become stronger and more solid than ever before... She's my rock..

(PAUL IS CAPTIVATED WHEN TIFFANY SPEAKS)

TIFFANY RAMSEY (GUSHING)

I feel like I know you and Patty... I've read every single one of your books. I know that you two were high school sweethearts and how, after you got married, Patty helped put you through college and law school and now you've become such a success and you two are sooo happy together. That's why we came to you before we went through with the divorce... That's why everyone goes to you... You set such an amazing example for married people everywhere.

PAUL MURPHY 

Thanks. You know, it's hard to believe, but after all these years together, my wife and I are still really, really good bodies... uh, buddies, buddies.

(PAUL NERVOUSLY USES FINGERS TO LOOSEN HIS COLLAR)
PRESTON RAMSEY III (IMPRESSED)

Tell me, how do you do it? How DO you keep a relationship fresh after more than twenty years of marriage?...

(LOOKS OVER AT TIFFANY WITH DISDAIN)

PRESTON RAMSEY III (CON'T)

... or even six months?

PAUL MURPHY (STARING INTO TIFFANY'S EYES)

When the pressure builds-up... and you feel like you are going to EXPLODE... uh, it-it's a good idea to blow off some steam... take a trip, plan a vacation together, spend some quality time with each other... As a matter of fact, my lovely wife and I are leaving tomorrow for Cancun, Mexico... just to spend the long weekend relaxing and enjoying each others' company.

TIFFANY RAMSEY 

Maybe, when you get back, we could all get together for dinner or something...

PRESTON RAMSEY III (DISMISSIVE)

Oh no, darling... I'm sure he's not allowed to socialize with his clients... Right Paul?

(PAUL IS IN A TRANCE, LOOKING AT TIFFANY WITH A DUMB LOOK ON FACE, AND DOESN'T EVEN REALIZE PRESTON IS ADDRESSING HIM)

PRESTON RAMSEY III (CONT'D)

Right?

PAUL MURPHY (SNAPS OUT OF IT)

Well, it-it's not the breast idea... uh, best idea...

(PAUL SHAKES HEAD APOLOGETICALLY)

PAUL MURPHY (CONT'D)

Ohh, what an ass...

(PRESTON LOOKS AT TIFFANY'S BACKSIDE)

PAUL MURPHY (CONT'D)

No, no, ME! Not he..., No, I'm the ass. This ass...

(PAUL QUICKLY CHANGES SUBJECT BY LOOKING AT HIS WATCH)

PAUL MURPHY (CONT'D)

Oh my, look at the time! I've got to go home and start packing.

(THE SESSION OVER, PAUL GETS UP FROM HIS CHAIR TO LEAD THE COUPLE TO THE DOOR)

PAUL MURPHY (CONT'D)

Please, if there's anything you learned from this session, whatever you do, DON'T be impulsive. Don't do something without thinking 1st, because you may regret it later.

PRESTON RAMSEY III (LOOKING AT WIFE)

Right, don't be impulsive.

(THEY SHAKE HANDS)

PRESTON RAMSEY III (CONT'D)

Well I hope you have a nice trip.

(PAUL OPENS THE DOOR TO LET THEM OUT)

PAUL MURPHY 

Thank you so much.

TIFFANY RAMSEY 

Bye... and thank yooou sooo much. It was so nice to see you...

(AS TIFFANY TURNS AWAY, PAUL IS STARING AT HER ASS AND HIS EYES FOLLOW HER AS SHE WALKS OUT THE DOOR)

PAUL MURPHY (PLAYFULLY POINTING)

Noooooo... it was so nice to see YOOOU.

(PAUL CLOSES DOOR, THEN TURNS AND MOUTHS "OH MY GOD!" BEFORE BITING HIS FIST IN DISTRESS; OPENS DOOR AGAIN TO SNEAK LAST GLANCE AT TIFF'S TUSH, THEN STAGGERS BACK TO SEAT AT DESK, SITTING WITH CHIN IN HIS HANDS DAYDREAMING)

(FADE OUT)

SCENE 2

(FADE IN)

INT: BARROOM IN CANCUN, MEXICO 

SHOT OF PAUL & PATTY DRESSED LIKE TOURISTS; PAUL IS SITTING AT BAR, DAYDREAMING WITH CHIN IN HIS HANDS JUST LIKE HE WAS IN HIS OFFICE, WEARING A BIG SOMBRERO; PATTY IS HAPPILY DANCING WITH A WAITER; BOTH ARE EXTREMELY INTOXICATED, MARIACHI MUSIC PLAYING, TOURISTS DANCING IN BACKGROUND; PATTY COMES OVER AND WHACKS PAUL ON THE SHOULDER, KNOCKING HIS CHIN OFF HIS HANDS)

PATTY MURPHY  (PARTYING)

Hey! Come on, get up! Let's dance!

PAUL MURPHY (DEJECTED)

Naw... I don't wanna dance.

PATTY MURPHY (HIP-CHECKING)

Then let's have another drink!

PAUL MURPHY (LIFELESS)

I don't want another drink.

PATTY MURPHY (MISCHIEVOUSLY)

Wanna go back to the room and fool around?

(PAUL TURNS SLIGHTLY TO LOOK AT PATTY, THEN TURNS HEAD AWAY SO SHE CAN'T HEAR)

PAUL MURPHY (TO HIMSELF)

I'd rather run the Boston Marathon with a rock in my sneaker.

PATTY MURPHY  

Huh? What did you say?

PAUL MURPHY 

I said maybe I will have another drink.

PATTY MURPHY (HANDS ON HIPS)

You know, there was a time  when you'd be begging me to up to that room with you.

PAUL MURPHY (SARCASTIC)

You have one hell of a memory.

PATTY MURPHY

Ya, I do. I can even remember when you were good looking.

PAUL MURPHY

Then I suggest that we keep drinking until we're both good looking.

PATTY MURPHY (VERY SARCASTIC)

That's the best advice you can come-up with, Mr. Big-Shot marriage counselor?

PAUL MURPHY

Yes, it is... and I think we're gonna need the whole bottle.

(PAUL LOOKS OVER HIS SHOULDER)

PAUL MURPHY (CONT'D)

Waiter! Senor! Where'd he go?

(PAUL LOSES HIS BALANCE AND FALLS BACKWARDS OFF BAR-STOOL TO THE FLOOR; HE'S HIDDEN BY THE BAR IN FOREGROUND)

PAUL (O.S.)

Ow.

PATTY MURPHY (SHAKING HER HEAD IN DISGUST)

Oh, I am such a lucky gal... I must have been Hitler in my previous life.

(FADE OUT )

SCENE 3

(FADE IN)

INT: HOTEL ROOM IN CANCUN, MEXICO 

(PAUL AND PATTY ARE SITTING UP IN BED, BOTH EXTREMELY HUNG-OVER AND IN SEVERE AGONY; PAUL'S SOMBRERO IS NOW TATTERED & CRUSHED, PATTY HAS AN ICE-PACK ON HER HEAD & IS FLICKING ASHES INTO AN EMPTY TEQUILA BOTTLE; CLOTHES & TOWELS THROWN EVERYWHERE)

PAUL MURPHY (MUTTERING; SHAKING HEAD)

I can't believe it... 

PATTY MURPHY (UNSYMPATHETIC)

Well, believe it.

PAUL MURPHY (IN AGONY)

How could you let this happen?

(PAUL AGONIZINGLY REACHES WITH FAR ARM OVER TO END-TABLE AND PICKS UP BOTTLE OF PEPTO BISMAL)

PATTY MURPHY (SARCASTIC)

How could I let this happen? I didn't pour the tequila down your throat...

(PAUL POURS PINK PEPTO INTO EMPTY MARGARITA GLASS & DRINKS; WIPES MOUTH)

PAUL MURPHY 

I would have been better-off if I drank the water. When it comes to revenge, Montezuma has nothing on ol' Jose Cuervo. I just told some clients not to be impulsive. Why didn't you stop me?

PATTY MURPHY 

It sounded like a great idea at the time.

PAUL MURPHY (UNHAPPY)

Why can't we ever have a normal vacation together? You couldn't spend your time getting those stupid hair-braids like the other wives do?

PATTY MURPHY (ANGRY)

Maybe I would have if you didn't tell me that I'd look more like Bo Jackson than Bo Derek... That's what started the whole thing.

PAUL MURPHY 

Alright, ya, whatever... but tell me one thing, who the hell's gonna go to a marriage counselor who got a "quickie" divorce in Mexico?

PATTY MURPHY (NO SYMPATHY)

Who cares? That's your problem.

PAUL MURPHY 

MY problem? Oh no, Patty, It's OUR problem, sweetheart.

PATTY MURPHY 

I don't think so, pal.

PAUL MURPHY 

Really? Then, if my practice goes down the tubes, who's gonna make the huge payments on that monstrous house of ours? Huh?...

PATTY MURPHY (DISMISSIVE SHRUG)

I don't know.

PAUL MURPHY 

What'a you think? Do you think I put the bill under the pillow every month and, as we sleep, the 'Mortgage Fairy' leaves a check?... POOF!... 

(PATTY SHRUGS)

And where's the money gonna come from to pay the college tuition for those two spoiled kids of ours?

PATTY MURPHY (NO CLUE)

They can get a scholarship.

PAUL MURPHY 

A scholarship! Why didn't I think of that? Unfortunately, the last time I checked, they weren't giving away football scholarships for playing Playstation II in your dorm room all day...

PATTY MURPHY (SPEECHLESS)

Well...

PAUL MURPHY 

And YOU! You spend my money like it has an expiration date on it! And you can drive me to the poor-house in that humongous 'Honey I Shrunk Your Wallet' SUV you had to have.

PATTY MURPHY 

So? I'll get a job.

PAUL MURPHY (TURNS BACK LAUGHING)

Oh ya! Right!

PATTY MURPHY 

I did it before, I can do it again.

PAUL MURPHY 

That was then, this is now... and now you live like Cleopatra, Queen of Brookfield.

PATTY MURPHY 

NORTH Brookfield!

PAUL MURPHY 

Brookfield, North Brookfield, Who cares?

PATTY MURPHY (YELLING & POINTING)

I care! There's a big difference! Listen pal, I didn't invest all this time with you to end-up living in a shack back in Brookfield again.

PAUL MURPHY (TURNS BACK LAUGHING)

See, this is what I mean. You couldn't keep a job. Look at the way you blow-up.

PATTY MURPHY (SCREAMING FIT)

BLOW UP! I DON'T BLOW-UP!

PAUL MURPHY 

Yes, you do.

PATTY MURPHY (EVEN ANGRIER)

DON'T TELL ME I BLOW UP! I DON'T BLOW UP! I'LL BLOW YOU UP, MISTER!

PAUL MURPHY (WITH SMUG SMILE)

No further questions, your honor.

PATTY MURPHY (DEFEATED)

How do you like that? I paid my dues... and the check just bounced... So what do we do now?

PAUL MURPHY 

I suggest that we keep this divorce a little secret between the two of us and make it look like we're still the perfect, happily married couple that people think we are until I can come-up with something...

PATTY MURPHY 

You better come-up with something. Like what, for instance?

PAUL MURPHY 

You know something... By some miracle you could get a job... or if I manage to marry you off. One of could win the lottery...

PATTY MURPHY 

You could choke on a chicken bone...

PAUL MURPHY 

Not if I have to wait for you to cook something!

(PATTY GLARES, THEN SUDDENLY A THOUGHT HITS HER)

PATTY MURPHY (SHOCKED)

Oh my God! What about the kids? My poor Cathy... she'll be devastated

PAUL MURPHY 

She'll be traumatized.

PATTY MURPHY 

Hysterical.

(PAUL IS GOING TO GET SICK AND LUNGES ACROSS PATTY TO THE SIDE OF THE BED WHILE PATTY LOOKS DOWN AT HIM IN CONTEMPT)

PAUL MURPHY 

Where's the ice bucket?!

(FADE OUT)



SCENE 4

ESTABLISHING SHOT OF BEAUTIFUL HOME

(FADE IN)

INT: HOME OF PAUL & PATTY: KITCHEN 

(PATTY WALKS IN & PUTS SOMETHING ON SHELF WHILE PAUL LIES PRONE, UNDERNEATH THE SINK, BANGING AWAY)

PATTY MURPHY 

Do you have any idea what the hell you're doing down there?

PAUL MURPHY (SNIPPY)

Look Patty, if my business goes down the drain it might back-up the sink and we won't be able to afford a plumber. I'm gonna have to learn how to do this stuff myself.

PATTY MURPHY 

God help us all... Oh! Here comes Cathy. Now just let me do the talking... You keep your mouth shut.

PAUL MURPHY 

Hey, tell her...

PATTY MURPHY (CUTTING HIM OFF)

Keep your mouth shut!... Keep it shut!

(DAUGHTER CATHY ENTERS THROUGH KITCHEN DOOR WITH LOTS OF ENERGY; SHE IS HOME FROM COLLEGE CLASSES & THROWS DOWN NAP-SACK)

DAUGHTER CATHY 

Hi Ma.

PATTY MURPHY 

Hi, honey.

(CATHY GIVES MOM A HUG)

DAUGHTER CATHY 

Hi pop.

PAUL MURPHY

Hi baby.

DAUGHTER CATHY 

How was your trip?

(DAUGHTER PROCEEDS TO RAID REFRIGERATOR & TAKES OUT FOOD)

PATTY MURPHY (LOOKS TO PAUL)

How was our trip?

(PAUL POKES HEAD OUT AND MUMBLES WITH HIS LIPS PRESSED TOGETHER)

PAUL MURPHY (TURNS LOCK ON MOUTH)

I'm keeping my mouth shut.

DAUGHTER CATHY 

What did you guys do? Did you have fun?

PATTY MURPHY 

Well, it wasn't exactly your classic Club Med vacation.

DAUGHTER CATHY (GOING ABOUT BUSINESS)

Did you go to the beach? You didn't get much color.

PATTY MURPHY (RELISHING MOMENT)

Oh, I don't know about that. Your father turned a lovely shade of green for a few hours. Ha ha ha... He looked like Kermit.

PAUL MURPHY (KERMIT THE FROG VOICE WHILE PUSHING NOSE TO MAKE PIG-SNOUT)

Don't remind me, Piggy.

PATTY MURPHY (GLARES, THEN GETS DRAMATIC)

Cathy, honey... your father and I have something we need to tell you. I'm really worried about the way you're going to take this news. I think you should sit down.

(CATHY TAKES A SEAT)

DAUGHTER CATHY (SUDDENLY SERIOUS)

What Ma? Who died?

PATTY MURPHY (MOROSE)

No, it's so much worse than that...

(PATTY TAKES DEEP BREATH AND DRAWS DAUGHTER'S HEAD OVER-DRAMATICALLY TOWARD HER BREAST)

PATTY MURPHY (CONT'D)

Your father and I got a divorce in Mexico.

(DAUGHTER SPRINGS BACK UP, GETS UP & CONTINUES TO MAKE LUNCH AS IF NOTHING HAPPENED)

DAUGHTER CATHY (NONCHALANT)

Oh...

(PAUL POKES HIS HEAD UP FROM UNDER THE SINK & LOOKS AT PATTY IN DISBELIEF)

PAUL MURPHY (STUNNED)

Oh?

PATTY MURPHY 

Oh?... Is that all you can say, is 'Oh'?

DAUGHTER CATHY (NOT SURE HOW TO REACT)

Oh... boy?

PATTY MURPHY 

Somehow, we thought you would be more upset about this.

DAUGHTER CATHY (CHANGING SUBJECT)

Upset? I'll tell you what I'm upset about... look what you did to my favorite sweater!

(DAUGHTER PULLS AT SWEATER THAT IS HUGE ON HER)

DAUGHTER CATHY (CONT'D)

You stretched it all out!

PATTY MURPHY 

Big deal. You stretched-out my stomach for nine months and you don't hear me complaining... Get over it.

(PAUL HAS EMERGED FROM UNDER SINK & IS WIPING HIS HANDS ON TOWEL)

PAUL MURPHY 

I can't believe this, Cathy... You're not surprised?

DAUGHTER CATHY 

Ya, I'm surprised... I'm surprised you guys stayed together this long.

PAUL MURPHY (TAKEN BY SURPRISE)

What are you talking about?

DAUGHTER CATHY (MAKING LUNCH)

Sean and I have had a running bet for years now.

PATTY MURPHY (AMAZED)

You have?

DAUGHTER CATHY 

Ya. Personally I thought you two would split-up when you had that big fight on Christmas day.

PATTY MURPHY 

What fight?

DAUGHTER CATHY 

How can you forget? Dad put the tree through the wood chipper with all the Christmas lights and your expensive ornaments still on it...

(PAUL LAUGHS; PATTY SCOWLS)

DAUGHTER CATHY 

Then Sean thought it was gonna happen when you crushed dad's golf-clubs under the garage door.

PATTY MURPHY 

He deserved it. He was playing golf and missed Mama's birthday party.

PAUL MURPHY (MIFFED)

Those were brand-new Calloways! You kept pushing the button, over and over and over and over...

DAUGHTER CATHY 

Then we were SURE you were gonna get divorced after the time...

(PATTY & PAUL SIMULTANEOUSLY INTERRUPT)

PAUL & PATTY 

OK, THAT'S ENOUGH!

PATTY MURPHY 

We get the point!

PAUL MURPHY 

Look baby, your mother and I still love each other... but sometimes 'stuff' happens...

PATTY MURPHY 

Ya, after years and years together, some people grow apart...

(PAUL GLANCES AT PATTY; LOOKS HER OVER)

PAUL MURPHY (VERY SARCASTIC)

... and some people just grow.

(PATTY SHOOTS A GLARE AT PAUL)

PATTY MURPHY 

Yeah. Take your father, for example... Mr. Matrimony himself... When we first got married, he used to shower me with love and affection. Now I'm lucky if I can get him to take a shower.

(PAUL SNIFFS HIS ARMPIT AS CATHY HOLDS UP KITCHEN KNIFE)

DAUGHTER CATHY (BREAKS IT UP)

Cut it out you two!

PATTY MURPHY 

OK, here's the thing... you and Sean HAVE to keep this between us, and I mean only us, for now.

DAUGHTER CATHY 

What's the big deal, most of my friends' parents are divorced.

PAUL MURPHY 

The big deal is that if people find out it will ruin my business and we won't be able to pay for your college and that little sports car you drive around in. Not to mention the Platinum card I got you that has a balance approaching the national deficit.

(LOOKS AT PATTY)

PAUL MURPHY (CONT'D; WISE-GUY)

Which must be hereditary.

PATTY MURPHY 

So that's why you kids have to keep this to yourselves for now.

DAUGHTER CATHY 

If that's the only problem why don't you two just get remarried?

(PAUL AND PATTY TAKE A BEAT WHILE THEY CONSIDER IT, LOOK RIGHT AT EACH OTHER FOR A MOMENT, CONSIDERING IDEA, THEN SIMULTANEOUSLY SHAKE HEADS AND SAY...)

PAUL MURPHY 

No... no... no... no... Bad idea... Not gonna happen...

PATTY MURPHY 

Ohhh, noooooo....... I don't think sooooooo... No way...

(DAUGHTER CONTINUES ABOUT HER BUSINESS AND GOES TO LEAVE THE KITCHEN WITH FOOD)

DAUGHTER CATHY 

Oh ya, ma, grandma called... she needs you to take her to the doctor's...

PATTY MURPHY (ROLLS EYES)

I'm gonna kill myself.

DAUGHTER CATHY 

You won't have to... just tell grandma you got divorced... she'll do it for you. 

(PAUL AND PATTY SHOOT A FRIGHTENED GLANCE AT EACH OTHER AS CATHY LEAVES THE ROOM)

PATTY MURPHY 

I can't believe this... So, Mr. Goodwrench, did you find out what was clogging the garbage disposal?

PAUL MURPHY (SLIPS ON WEDDING BAND)

Yes I did, and it's a good thing. I forgot I still have to wear this thing...

(FADE OUT)



SCENE 5

ESTABLISHING SHOT OF LARGE SUBURBAN HOME

SHOT LOOKING UP AT 2ND FLOOR WINDOW WITH SONNY SWIFT PEERING OUT WITH BINOCULARS & TELESCOPE

(FADE IN)

INT: NEIGHBOR'S HOME OF ATTY. SONNY SWIFT 

(SLEAZY DIVORCE LAWYER AND NEXT-DOOR NEIGHBOR OF PAUL & PATTY IS ATTORNEY SONNY SWIFT; HE IS SITTING AT HIS DESK ALTERNATELY LOOKING OUT THE WINDOW WITH A PAIR OF BINOCULARS AND A LARGE TELESCOPE; ON THE TABLE IN FRONT OF HIM IS A HUGE STACK OF VALENTINE'S DAY GREETING CARDS; HIS WIFE GLADYS IS ON THE COUCH READING ONE OF PAUL'S BOOKS; SONNY SIGNS A CARD, PUTS LIPSTICK ON, KISSES THE INSIDE OF THE CARD, SEALS IT IN ENVELOPE, SPRAYS IT WITH PERFUME AND ADDS IT TO STACK)

GLADYS SWIFT (IMMERSED IN BOOK)

Sonny, what are you doing?

ATTY. SONNY SWIFT 

I know those two aren't getting along... I swear it!

(SONNY PUTS DOWN BINOCULARS & CONTINUES TO STUFF ENVELOPES)

GLADYS SWIFT 

Oh, will you leave them alone.

(AS THEY SPEAK, SONNY SPRAYS GREETING CARD WITH PERFUME, THEN WAVES IT AROUND; OCCASIONALLY SNOOPING THROUGH BINOCULARS OR TELESCOPE)

ATTY. SONNY SWIFT 

I'm telling you, something's not right over there... I can smell it.

(GLADYS IS OVERWHELMED BY PERFUME, WAVES AWAY SMELL WHILE GLUED TO BOOK)

GLADYS SWIFT 

Honey, the whole neighborhood can smell it... Is that my perfume you're using?

ATTY. SONNY SWIFT 

Trust me, the 'Love Boat' has sprung a leak and it's taking on water!

GLADYS SWIFT 

You're crazy. Paul and Patty are the perfect couple. That's why he sells so many of those books about keeping your marriage together.

(SONNY APPLIES LIPSTICK)

ATTY. SONNY SWIFT 

Ya, well those sappy books are ruining my business!... And I can't believe that you're reading one of them!

(GLADYS FINALLY LOOKS OVER AND SEES WHAT SONNY IS DOING)

GLADYS SWIFT 

Sonny, that's my lipstick! That lipstick costs $30 a tube!

ATTY. SONNY SWIFT 

Think of it as an investment.

(THE SWIFTS' SON BUTCHIE WALKS IN WITH HIS FRIEND LEO)

GLADYS SWIFT 

Hi Butchie. Hi Leo.

BUTCHIE SWIFT 

Hi ma. Hi dad.

LEO 

Hi Mrs. Swift.

(LEO WALKS OVER TO SONNY & CURIOUSLY WATCHES HIM AS HE CONTINUES TO STUFF THE ENVELOPES)

LEO (CONT'D)

Hey, Mr. Swift, you sure are sending a lot of Valentines cards. Do you have a lot of girlfriends?

ATTY. SONNY SWIFT 

No kid... I'm a divorce attorney and I need the business

(SIGNING CARD WITH RED MARKER AND TALKING TO HIMSELF AS HE DOES IT)

ATTY. SONNY SWIFT 

"Guess who?"

(SONNY PLANTS A BIG KISS ON INSIDE OF GREETING CARD, GOES TO LICK YET ANOTHER ENVELOPE, MAKES A SOUR FACE, THEN LOOKS AT LEO, WHO HAS A TON OF GUNK IN HIS HAIR )

ATTY. SONNY SWIFT 

Come here, kid.

(ATTY. SWIFT GRABS LEO'S HEAD & RUNS THE ENVELOPE ACROSS HIS GREASY HAIR & SEALS IT)

(FADE OUT)



SCENE 6

(FADE IN)

INT: JUST OUTSIDE DOCTOR'S WAITING ROOM 

(PATTY AND HER MOTHER, PAT. SR. ARE WALKING DOWN A HALLWAY)

PAT SR. 

Thanks for picking me up...

PATTY MURPHY 

That's all right, momma, I have something important to tell you anyway.

PAT SR. (SICKLY VOICE)

I'm feeling very weak...

PATTY MURPHY (SARCASTIC)

Why should today be any different than the other 364 days of the year?

PAT SR. 

You don't have to be so grouchy about it.

INT: DOCTOR'S WAITING ROOM 

(PATTY AND HER MOTHER ENTER THE WAITING ROOM TOGETHER; THE ROOM IS FILLED WITH WAITING PATIENTS; THERE IS A RECEPTIONIST'S DESK AT ONE END AND A REST ROOM DOOR OFF THE WAITING ROOM; THERE ARE 2 EMPTY SEATS ON A COUCH)

PATTY MURPHY 

I'm grouchy? 

PAT SR.

You were born grouchy.

PATTY MURPHY 

I'll tell you who's grouchy... these broads who work for this doctor. You'd think with all the drugs in this building they could take a "happy pill" to put'em in a better mood.  Here, you sit here, I'll take care of this.

(PATTY APPROACHES THE RECEPTIONIST BEHIND THE COUNTER)

PATTY MURPHY 

Hi, my mother has an appointment with Doctor Dunkin.

(RECEPTIONIST DOESN'T EVEN LOOK UP FROM HER WORK, BUT POINTS TOWARD CHAIRS)

RECEPTIONIST 

Take a seat and the doctor will be with you shortly.

(PATTY SNARLS AND TURNS TO WALK BACK TO HER SEAT AS RECEPTIONIST LOOKS UP TO SEE PATTY'S LONG FUR-COAT)

RECEPTIONIST (DISGUSTED; HALF UNDER BREATH)

I can't believe you're wearing dead animals.

PATTY MURPHY (DIVA)

That's what I used to say too... before I got one.

(PATTY PUTS HER COLLAR UP AND WALKS BACK TO THE COUCH)

PATTY MURPHY 

She said they'd be right with us.

(PAT SR. SIGHS)

Are you gonna make it?

PAT SR. (SNIPPY)

You know, you only get one mother. 

PATTY MURPHY (TRYING TO GET A WORD IN)

Paul and I...

PAT SR.

The least you can do for me is give me a ride to the doctor's office every once in a while.

PATTY MURPHY (SARCASTIC)

Every once in a while? You've accumulated so many "frequent-patient miles" they're gonna name a wing of the hospital after you.

PAT SR. (SURLY)

If I'm sickly, it's because I never took care of myself. 

PATTY MURPHY 

Paul and I...

PAT SR.

My kids always came first. I stuck it out for 40 years in a miserable marriage to that rotten father of yours... and I did it all for you and your sister.

(BEAT)

PAT SR. 

Now, what did you want to tell me?

PATTY MURPHY (UNCOMFORTABLE)

Paul... uhhhh... says "Hi."

(THE MALE PATIENT SITTING NEXT TO PATTY STARTS COUGHING RIGHT IN HER FACE; PATTY TURNS TO HIM WITH A DISGUSTED LOOK ON HER FACE AND PULLS HER COAT UP TO SHIELD HERSELF)

PATTY MURPHY (DRAMATIC)

Ugh... I can just feel the germs raining down on me.

(FADE OUT)

(FADE IN)

VIDEO COLLAGE OF EXTENDED TIME SEQUENCE OF PATTY WAITING IN THE DOCTOR'S OFFICE

(1ST SEQUENCE; CLOCK ON WALL AT 2:10; PATTY LOOKS EXTREMELY BORED; SHE IS READING MAGAZINE, THEN IS DISTRACTED BY MAGAZINE THAT COUGHING PATIENT SITTING NEXT TO HER IS READING. PATTY LEANS OVER TO READ HIS MAGAZINE, THEN REACHES OVER & AND TURNS HIS PAGE; HE COUGHS ON HER AGAIN AS SHE MAKES A DISGUSTED FACE AND BACKS OFF)

(FADE OUT)

(FADE IN)

(CLOCK AT 2:40; PATTY IS SLUMPED ON COUCH; ANNOYED PATTY GRABS HER MOTHER'S ARM AND TWISTS IT TO LOOK AT HER WATCH, THEN SLINKS BACK ON COUCH, BORED TO TEARS)

(FADE OUT)

(FADE IN)

(CLOCK AT 3:05; PATTY, HER MOM & PATIENT ON COUCH ALL HAVE PLAYING CARDS IN THEIR HAND; PATTY LOOKS DISCOURAGED, TRIES TO LOOK AT PATIENT'S HAND, HE COVERS HIS CARDS; THEN HER MOM'S HAND, SHE COVERS CARDS; PATTY PICKS-UP FROM DECK AND BREAKS-INTO BROAD SMILE)

(FADE OUT) 

(FADE IN)

(CLOCK NOW AT 3:20; AS PATIENT TO HER RIGHT SNORES AWAY, PATTY IS GETTING INCREASINGLY BORED AND TAKES OUT HER CHEWING GUM, LOOKING AROUND FOR A PLACE TO PUT IT; SHE FINALLY NOTICES A FLOWER ARRANGEMENT ON THE COFFEE TABLE IN FRONT OF HER AND STICKS THE USED GUM IN ONE OF THE PLANTS; THEN SHE PULLS OUT A PACK OF CIGARETTES & LIGHTER HIDDEN IN HER LARGE CLEAVAGE, GOES TO LIGHT THE CIGARETTE BUT 1ST LOOKS OVER HER LEFT, THEN HER RIGHT SHOULDERS TO SEE A NUMBER OF LARGE 'NO SMOKING' SIGNS BEHIND HER; SHE SIGHS, PUTS THE CIGARETTES BACK AND THEN REACHES INTO THE PLANT AND PLACES THE USED GUM BACK INTO HER MOUTH AS SHE FLOPS BACK ON COUCH)

(FADE OUT)
(FADE IN)

(PATTY APPROACHES DOOR WITH UNISEX REST ROOM SIGN ON IT; SHE GOES FOR THE DOOR HANDLE BUT A WAITING WOMAN, PATIENT #1,  PUTS HER HAND OUT; NEXT TO HER IS A WAITING, OLDER MAN, PATIENT #2)

PATIENT #1 (ABRUPTLY)

There's a line!

PATTY MURPHY (VERY POLITE)

Oh, I'm sorry. Is there someone in there?

PATIENT #1

Well, we don't know... The door is locked, but we've been waiting for about fifteen minutes and no one's come out.

PATTY MURPHY 

Did you knock on the door?

PATIENT #2 

No, don't disturb them... Give then some privacy, just leave them alone... we'll wait.

PATTY MURPHY 

Maybe you have a bladder like a camel, but I don't. I'm gonna find out if there's someone in there... they might need our help.

PATIENT #2 (GRUFF)

Why don't you mind your own business?

PATTY MURPHY (SARCASTIC)

Awww... typical Bostonian, you don't want to get involved... Heaven forbid I should ever have to depend on YOU to drag me out of a burning building.

PATIENT #1 (HITTING MAN)

She's right... you're a wimp

(PATIENT #1 BANGS ON THE REST ROOM DOOR; THEY LISTEN & WAIT, BUT THERE IS NO RESPONSE)

PATTY MURPHY 

I'll get the receptionist to open the door.

(PATTY WALKS BACK INSIDE AND UP TO THE RECEPTIONIST'S DESK)

PATTY MURPHY 

Excuse me.

(RECEPTIONIST GOES ABOUT HER BUSINESS & REFUSES TO ACKNOWLEDGE PATTY)

PATTY MURPHY (CONT'D; CLEARS THROAT)

A-hem... Excuse me.

(STILL NO REACTION FROM RECEPTIONIST; PATTY WAVES HER HANDS IN FRONT OF RECEPTIONIST'S FACE, SNAPS HER FINGERS, TRIES TO GET HER ATTENTION TO NO AVAIL)

PATTY MURPHY (CONT'D; SNAPS)

Am I invisible? Should I wrap gauze around my head so you can see me?

(RECEPTIONIST FINALLY LOOKS UP AND ACTS ANNOYED)

RECEPTIONIST 

Can I help you?

PATTY MURPHY 

Why yes you can, Miss Perky... Look, I know you probably have some incredibly important pencils to sharpen, but there may be a person passed out or dead in your bathroom.

RECEPTIONIST (SNEERS)

Why would you possibly think there could be a dead person in our bathroom?

PATTY MURPHY (SCREAMING)

DERRRRRRR... THIS IS A HOSPITAL! THIS IS WHERE SICK PEOPLE COME WHEN THEY'RE GONNA DIE!

(PAN TO PEOPLE IN THE WAITING ROOM WITH HORRIFIED LOOKS ON THEIR FACES AND PATTY NOTICES THEIR REACTION)

PATTY MURPHY (CONT'D; SWEET W/DISMISSIVE WAVE)

Oh, not you people...

PATTY MURPHY (CONT'D; TO RECEPTIONIST)

Can you open the door please! At least check it out.

(RECEPTIONIST IS ANNOYED AND RELUCTANTLY STORMS TO THE BATHROOM WITH PATTY; RECEPTIONIST UNLOCKS DOOR AND PATTY BARGES PAST HER & ENTERS RESTROOM; SHE THEN POKES HER HEAD OUT OF THE REST ROOM)

PATIENT #2 (APPREHENSIVE LOOK)

Was there anybody in there?

PATTY MURPHY (GRUESOMELY)

Yeah... there was a rotting corpse lying there in a big pool of blood

(PATIENTS & RECEPTIONIST RECOIL WITH HORRIFIED EXPRESSIONS)

PATTY MURPHY (CONT'D; BREAKS INTO SMILE)

Just kidding... heh heh heh... and you lost your turn in line.

(PATTY SLAMS REST ROOM DOOR BEHIND HER AS RECEPTIONIST STORMS OFF)

(FADE OUT)




SCENE 7

ESTABLISHING SHOT OF BARROOM

INT: BARROOM IN BOSTON, MA 

(FADE IN)

(PAUL AND HIS CHILDHOOD BEST FRIEND, BUDDY GLEASON, ARE SHOOTING A GAME OF POOL. PAUL IS TAKING A SHOT)

BUDDY GLEASON (STUNNED)

I still can't believe this happened, I feel bad.

PAUL MURPHY (BUMMED OUT)

You feel bad? Tell me about it, Buddy. My life is ruined.

BUDDY GLEASON (CONCERNED)

I don't know what to say. You've been my best pal all my life... and you got married to Patty right after we graduated high school.

PAUL MURPHY 

I had to, Buddy. I did the right thing...

BUDDY GLEASON

... becaaaause, after the prom, you and Patty did the wrong thing...


PAUL MURPHY ((THINKS TO HIMSELF)

... at least three times, if I remember correctly. 

BUDDY GLEASON (REMINISCING)

Three times... ahhh, those were the days.

PAUL MURPHY 

Amen.

BUDDY GLEASON 

The point is, you've been with Patty forever. I was with you when you met her. She was the very first girl you ever dated.

PAUL MURPHY 

Yup.

BUDDY GLEASON (SNICKERS)

Actually, come to think of it, she's the ONLY girl you've ever dated.

PAUL MURPHY 

That's true too, isn't it?.

BUDDY GLEASON 

Wow! I never really looked at it that way, but you've never even been on a date with another woman. No one! Ever! That's pathetic! You've been living with Patty for your entire adult life... 

(O.S. LAUGHTER; BUDDY PUTS HIS ARM OVER PAUL'S SHOULDER AND POINTS TO A HAPPY YOUNG COUPLE THAT IS OBVIOUSLY IN LOVE; THE GUY SEEMS TO BURP, COVERING HIS MOUTH AS THEY BOTH GIGGLE & CONTINUE FLIRTING)

BUDDY GLEASON (CONT'D)

See that? You know what that is? That's new love. He burps now and it's cute... after a couple years together, he's a pig. Familiarity breeds contempt.

(PAUL LOOKS OVER AT HAPPY COUPLE, THEN SHOT OF HAPPY COUPLE)

PAUL MURPHY (WHINY)

Ohh, I don't know Buddy...

BUDDY GLEASON 

Look, no offense pal, but to me, "monogamy" sounds a whole lot like "monotony." 

(PAUL SUBCONSCIOUSLY STARTS WHISTLING 'DING-DONG THE WITCH IS DEAD')

BUDDY GLEASON (CONT'D)

Think of it this way, you have been like celibate plus one for almost twenty-five years! I mean, even prisoners get conjugal visits. Not you.  just can't imagine having sex with the same person year after year after year after...

(BUDDY BECOMES DISTRACTED BY PAUL'S WHISTLING; INTERRUPTED, PAUL'S WHISTLING TAILS-OFF WITH A DRAWN-OUT FLAT NOTE)

BUDDY GLEASON 

Whoa, wait a second. What were you just whistling?


PAUL MURPHY (SNAPS OUT OF IT)

Was I whistling? 

BUDDY GLEASON 

Ya, you were whistlin' and that song sounded familiar. I know that song. Whistle what you were just whistlin'.

PAUL MURPHY 

OK, OK... Gimme a second.

(PAUL BEGINS WHISTLING 'DING-DONG THE WITCH IS DEAD')

BUDDY GLEASON 

See? I was right! It's the wicked witch song. Ding-dong the wicked witch is dead.

PAUL MURPHY (IN DENIAL)

Oh no, Buddy. I'm devastated. This divorce is the worst thing that's ever happened to me.

BUDDY GLEASON (ACCUSATORY)

Ya, well that's not what it sounds like to me. I think you're happy about this.

PAUL MURPHY (IN DENIAL)

You don't get it, do you? I'm extremely upset. I can't be divorced because, if I'm divorced, then I'd be... I'd be...

(PAUL LOOKS OVER AT GIGGLING COUPLE AGAIN)

PAUL MURPHY (CONT'D)

... I'd be... SINGLE!

(PAUL REFLECTS, THEN 

CUT TO SHOT OF PAUL OUTSIDE WITH SKY AS BACKGROUND; WITH BLUE WAR-PAINT ON FACE, LONG HAIRED WIG & OUTFIT LIKE MEL GIBSON IN 'BRAVEHEART'; ARMS THRUST INTO THE AIR

PAUL MURPHY (CONT'D; SHOUTING)

FREEDOM!

(CUT BACK TO PAUL IN BARROOM WITH ARMS IN AIR; REALIZING THAT PATRONS ARE STARING AT HIM, HE SLINKS BACK TO BAR WITH BUDDY)

BUDDY GLEASON 

Welcome to the club, pal.

(BUDDY & PAUL SHAKE HANDS)

BUDDY GLEASON 

You've got a lot of catching-up to do.

PAUL MURPHY (SCHEMING)

This is great! Hey, you know what? I'm a bachelor again. You should throw me a bachelor party.

BUDDY GLEASON 

Huh?

PAUL MURPHY (SCHEMING)

Ya. Doesn't it make sense? Think about it. It's stupid to give a guy a bachelor party if he's gonna get married the next week. You hang-out with your friends, get drunk, stay out late, look at strippers. To a guy who's getting married, that's torture... it's a tease. But for me, Buddy, it could be like previews of coming attractions!


BUDDY GLEASON (EXCITED)

So let's do it! That sounds like a great idea!

PAUL MURPHY 

Do what?

BUDDY GLEASON 

Let's plan a bachelor party!

PAUL MURPHY (DEFLATED)

Ohhh, I can't...

BUDDY GLEASON 

Why not?

PAUL MURPHY 

Patty would kill me. I'm scared of her... and I just don't have enough 

PAUL MURPHY (CONT'D; COWARDLY LION VOICE)

courage. Haw haw haw...

BUDDY GLEASON (SKEPTICAL)

What do you mean you're scared of her?

PAUL MURPHY 

I think she's trying to kill me, Buddy.

(BUDDY SPRAYS OUT HIS BEER)

BUDDY GLEASON (MOCKING)

Kill you? Come on.

PAUL MURPHY 

I'm not kidding. She's trying to get rid of me. She made me a sandwich yesterday and I almost choked on a chicken bone, just like she threatened.

BUDDY GLEASON (PASSES IT OFF)

You're imagining things. Don't be paranoid. It happens all the time. You just have to be careful. Every once in a while you get a chicken bone. So what?

PAUL MURPHY 

Not when it's peanut butter & jelly!

BUDDY GLEASON (CRINGES)

Oooh, that's different! How long are you and Patty gonna have to live in that house together?

PAUL MURPHY 

I don't know, Buddy. I can't imagine Patty holding onto a job without blowing her stack like she always does... and I can't think of anyone who I possibly could fix her up with...

BUDDY GLEASON (THINKING)

It's too bad you don't know a rich guy who could take her off your hands...

PAUL MURPHY (SNAPS FINGERS)

Wait a second! Maybe I DO know someone. I just had this couple in my office. This guy is filthy stinky-rich. The addition they're putting on his home is costing him more than our house is worth... and his wife is soooo unbelievable! ... 

(PAUL LOOKS OVER AT HOT GIRL OF HAPPY COUPLE; SHOT OF SEXY GIRL LAUGHING)

PAUL MURPHY (CONT'D)

I want one of those!

BUDDY GLEASON 

He's got one of those "trophy" wives?

PAUL MURPHY (DRAMATIC END)

Oh ya, and this one's the Stanley Cup. 

BUDDY GLEASON (PUZZLED)

But I don't get it. They're married, right?.

PAUL MURPHY 

Ya, they're married, Buddy, but these people hate each other. I'm the only thing that keeping those two together... and I'll keep them together as long as they keep giving me $350 an hour.

(BUDDY SPRAYS OUT HIS BEER AGAIN)

BUDDY GLEASON (SHOCKED)

$350.00? You make 350 bucks an hour?

PAUL MURPHY 

Buddy, you forget. I'm famous... besides, "Imelda Mark-Up" spends that much on one pair of shoes on a slow shopping day. 

BUDDY GLEASON

I can't believe you make $350 an hour!

PAUL MURPHY

Ya, whatever, the point is this couple has absolutely nothing in common.

BUDDY GLEASON (DEVIL'S ADVOCATE)

If she's a good-looking as she says she is, you and his wife probably don't have anything in common, either.

PAUL MURPHY 

Who cares? The way she looks, I wouldn't notice for the first six months... Just like he did.

BUDDY GLEASON (ENLIGHTENED)

So I get it. Their marriage is on life support...

PAUL MURPHY 

That's right... and I'm gonna pull the plug. They said they wanted to get together for dinner some time. Give me your cell phone...

BUDDY GLEASON

Use your own cell-phone, Mr. $350 an hour.

( PAUL TAKES HIS PHONE AND STARTS TO DIAL)

PAUL MURPHY 

I'll get YOU my pretty...

BUDDY GLEASON (WITCH VOICE)

... and your little Mercedes too!

(PAUL & BUDDY LAUGH AND CACKLE LIKE WITCHES)

(FADE OUT)

SCENE 8

(FADE IN)

INT: HOME OF PAUL & PATTY: LIVING ROOM 

(PAUL WALKS IN THE FRONT DOOR AFTER HIS MEETING WITH BUDDY)

PAUL MURPHY 

Patty-Cakes!... Hi, sugar-plum... How's my little dumpling?

(TWO BURLY DELIVERY MEN WEARING JUMPSUITS ARE LEAVING AS PAUL WALKS IN; PAUL DOES DOUBLE-TAKE AS THEY PASS HIM)

PAUL MURPHY (CONT'D) 

(PATTY IS NEAR A LARGE GRAND-PIANO)

PATTY MURPHY (MAD; SNAPS)

Where have you been?

PAUL MURPHY (INTO CAMERA; AMUSED)

How do you like that? We don't have sex anymore and I still get yelled at when I come home late... It's like we never got divorced.

(BACK TO REALITY, PATTY TRIES TO SHIELD THE PIANO WITH HER BODY; PAUL CRANES HIS NECK TO SEE WHAT PATTY IS HIDING FROM HIM)

PAUL MURPHY (CONT'D; TURNING BACK)

What'a you got there, pumpkin?

PATTY MURPHY (PASSIONATELY)

I had to have it!... It's one of a kind!... It's priceless!

(PAUL STILL TRYING TO GET A GLIMPSE OF WHAT SHE'S HIDING)

PAUL MURPHY 

Really? If it's priceless, then why does it have a price tag on it?

(PAUL REACHES AROUND HER AND LOOKS AT THE PRICE-TAG; HE GULPS)

PAUL MURPHY (CONT'D; SWOONING)

... and OHH!... and what a price-tag it is!

PATTY MURPHY 

It's a baby grand!

PAUL MURPHY (ANGRY)

No it's not... It's more like TEN grand!

PATTY MURPHY (DESPERATE)

I'm not taking it back!

PAUL MURPHY (SWEETLY PINCHES CHEEK)

You don't have to take it back, my little Oompa-Loompa.

(PATTY JUST STARES AT PAUL, WONDERING WHAT HE'S UP TO AS HE LOOKS THROUGH THE MAIL)

PATTY MURPHY (SHOCKED)

I don't?

PAUL MURPHY 

No, you don't. Listen baby-face... I want to have some clients over for dinner Friday night, OK?

PATTY MURPHY (DISMISSIVE)

I don't think so... You're dreaming, buster... I'm not cooking anything for your clients.

PAUL MURPHY 

No, Patsy-Watsy... you don't understand, I'm doing this for YOU, sweetie-pie. This couple is on the cusp of a divorce and the husband is absolutely loaded with money...

(HAUGHTY ACCENT)

Perhaps you've heard of him... Preston Ramsey the III

PATTY MURPHY (IMPRESSED)

Preston Ramsey III? He's in all those society columns... the guy's worth a fortune.

PAUL MURPHY 

Yes he is... and I want to fix you up with him... Just think of how much of this expensive crap you could buy with all of his money!

PATTY MURPHY 

OK, I suppose I can cook dinner for them.

(SUDDENLY SKEPTICAL)

PATTY MURPHY (CONT'D)

And just what is his wife going to be doing during this little tryst you've arranged?

PAUL MURPHY (LOOKING THRU MAIL)

Oh, don't worry about her... I'll keep her busy.

PATTY MURPHY (VERY DISTRUSTING)

Oh, I'm sure you will...

PAUL MURPHY 

Look at these bills! This is ridiculous!... More shoes? I'm married to a centipede!... Sigh. So what's for dinner?

PATTY MURPHY (GROWING ANGER)

What's for dinner? I've been busy shopping all day, I haven't had time to make you dinner. You want me to make you breakfast... you expect me to make you lunch... you think I'm gonna make you supper... WHY DO I ALWAYS HAVE TO MAKE EVERYTHING? HUH? WHAT DO YOU EVER MAKE AROUND HERE? HUH? TELL ME, WHAT IS IT THAT YOU MAKE?

PAUL MURPHY (SMUG)

I make money.

(PATTY THINKS TO HERSELF FOR A MOMENT; REALIZES HE'S RIGHT & CHANGES HER TONE AS SHE TURNS FOR THE FRIDGE)

PATTY MURPHY 

Right... I guess I can open a can of tuna-fish.

(AS PAUL READS THE MAIL HE IS QUIETLY WHISTLING THE 'DING-DONG' SONG TO HIMSELF; PATTY TURNS ABRUPTLY)
PATTY MURPHY (ACCUSATORY)

PATTY MURPHY (CONT'D)

What is that song you're whistling?

PAUL MURPHY (INNOCENTLY, BUT NOT)

I was whistling?

(FADE OUT)


SCENE 9

(FADE IN)

INT: HOME OF PAUL & PATTY: UPSTAIRS OUTSIDE BATHROOM 

(PAUL IS KNOCKING ON LOCKED DOOR TO BATHROOM; HE'S DRESSED IN SPORT JACKET, BUCKLING HIS BELT & PUTTING ON HIS WATCH)

PAUL MURPHY 

Let's go Patty, they're gonna be here any minute.

PATTY MURPHY (O.S.)

Hold your horses, I'm almost done.

PAUL MURPHY (LOOKING AT WATCH)

What's taking so long? It took them less time to do the make-up for the Thriller video!

PATTY MURPHY (O.S.)

I need another roll of toilet paper. Get me some toilet paper.

PAUL MURPHY 

What the hell are you doing in there, building a nest?

(PAUL HEADS FOR STAIRS)

PAUL MURPHY (CONT'D) 

I'm going downstairs... Hurry up!... Don't leave me alone with those people!

(FADE OUT)

(FADE IN)

INT: HOME OF PAUL & PATTY: LIVING ROOM 

(DOORBELL AND PAUL OPENS FRONT DOOR AND GREETS THE RAMSEYS AS HE LEADS THEM THROUGH THE FOYER TO BASE OF THE STAIRS, TAKING THEIR WINTER COATS)

PAUL MURPHY 

Hello, come in, come in... It's good to see you... I'm glad you could make it. Let me help you with your coat, Tiffany.

(PAUL TAKES TIFFANY'S BRIGHT-BLUE FAUX-FUR)

PAUL MURPHY (CONT'D)

Very nice... Did you skin a Smurf?... Just kidding...

(THEY ARRIVE AT THE BASE OF THE STAIRS)

PAUL MURPHY (CONT'D)

Patty should be right down... real soon...

(IMPATIENTLY LOOKS UP STAIRS; AWKWARD SILENCE; PRESTON & TIFFANY HAVE BEEN QUARRELING & THEY'RE NOT VERY TALKATIVE)

PAUL MURPHY (CONT'D)

... any moment now... So, how was the ride over?

PRESTON RAMSEY III 

OK.

PAUL MURPHY 

Good... good

(PAUL EVENTUALLY HAS HAD ENOUGH & SCREAMS AT TOP OF HIS LUNGS, CRUDELY UP THE STAIRS)

PAUL MURPHY (CONT'D)

Excuse me... PATTY!!!!!!

PATTY MURPHY (TOP OF HER LUNGS)

WHAAAAAAAAAAT?!!!!

PAUL MURPHY (SCREAMING)

HURRY UP!!!! THEY'RE HERE!!!

PATTY MURPHY (DOWN STAIRS)

I'M COMIN'!!!!!!

(PAUL TURNS BACK WITH A BIG SMILE)

PAUL MURPHY (SUBDUED)

She's comin'...

(PATTY FINALLY APPEARS AT)

PAUL MURPHY (CONT'D)

Ahhh, there's my petite little flower now.

(PATTY COMES STUMBLING AWKWARDLY DOWN THE STAIRS; SHE IS ALL DECKED OUT WITH EVENING DRESS & HIGH HEELS; THE SHOES ARE KILLING HER & SHE'S CURSING THEM WHILE TRYING TO MAINTAIN HER DIGNITY)

PAUL MURPHY (CONT'D) 

Patty, I have someone I'd like you to meet... This is Preston Ramsey III.

PATTY MURPHY (FLIRTING; OFFERS HAND)

So nice to meet you, Preston. Would I be pushy if I called you 'Press?'

(PATTY KILLING HERSELF OVER HER LITTLE JOKE)

PRESTON RAMSEY III (TERSE)

Please... don't.

(PATTY, PUT IN HER PLACE, TURNS TO TIFFANY)

PAUL MURPHY 

And this is his wife, Tiffany

TIFFANY RAMSEY (VACANT)

Actually, it's Tiffany Amber...

PATTY MURPHY (SARCASTIC)

Of course it is...

TIFFANY RAMSEY 

... but I'm thinking of dropping the 'Amber' because people weren't taking me seriously.

PATTY MURPHY (VERY SARCASTIC)

I'm sure that will do the trick.

TIFFANY RAMSEY (EFFUSIVE)

Patty, you are so lucky. You have such a magnificent home, a great family and a model marriage.

PATTY MURPHY 

... and I'd trade it all to have your body, honey.

(PAUL IS STARING AT TIFFANY, LOOKING HER OVER, NODDING WITH A GOOFY GRIN ON HIS FACE IMAGING EXACTLY THAT)

PAUL MURPHY (TO HIMSELF; OBLIVIOUS)

Ya... Me too...

(PATTY FINALLY NOTICES AND PINCHES/POKES PAUL HARD TO SNAP HIM OUT OF IT; HE REACTS WITH PAIN, THEN COMPOSES HIMSELF AND HERDS THEM TO THE DINNER TABLE)

PAUL MURPHY (CONT'D) 

OWW!... Uh, Dinner's ready, let's go in the dining room.

(AS THEY WALK TO DINING ROOM BEHIND THE RAMSEYS, PAUL AND PATTY HAVE A HEATED ASIDE)

PATTY MURPHY (WHISPERING)

I wish you could see yourself. You're drooling like a Saint Bernard... What is she, twelve? ... and she's dumber than a box of rocks. 

PAUL MURPHY 

Patty! I'm doing this for you!

PATTY MURPHY (SARCASTIC)

Oh, right...

PAUL MURPHY (STERNLY)

Behave yourself!... Do you want pianos? Huh? Do you want pianos?

(FADE OUT)

ESTABLISHING SHOT OF SONNY'S HOME AT NIGHT

SHOT FROM OUTSIDE LOOKING IN WINDOW OF SONNY PEERING THROUGH BINOCULARS & TELESCOPE AGAIN

INT: NEIGHBOR'S HOME OF ATTY. SONNY SWIFT 

(FADE IN)

(SONNY IS LOOKING OUT THE WINDOW WITH BINOCULARS & TELESCOPE; WIFE IS ON COUCH, WATCHING TV IN BATHROBE, EATING POPCORN; SHE IS WEARING A HIDEOUS, GREEN FACIAL-MUD-PACK)

ATTY. SONNY SWIFT (LOOKING OVER HIS SHOULDER

There's something strange going on over there tonight. There's another couple with them. I think they might be swingers or something sick like that.

GLADYS SWIFT (INDIFFERENT)

Will you mind your own business, Sonny.

ATTY. SONNY SWIFT 

No, his marriage counseling practice is keeping couples from getting divorced... and I'm gonna bring him down. There's trouble in paradise, I know it!

(SONNY FINALLY SEES GLADYS IN THE GREEN MUD-PACK, DOES DOUBLE-TAKE & RECOILS IN HORROR)

ATTY. SONNY SWIFT

WHOAA! TALES FROM THE CRYPT!

(GLADYS GIVES A MONSTER GROWL)

ATTY. SONNY SWIFT (BACKPEDDLING)

No, no, no! Embalming becomes you!

(SONNY GOES BACK TO LOOKING OUT WINDOW)

(FADE OUT)

(FADE IN)

INT: HOME OF PAUL & PATTY: DINING ROOM 

(ALL FOUR ARE SITTING AT DINING ROOM TABLE, PAUL AT HEAD OF TABLE, PATTY TO HIS RIGHT; TIFFANY, THEN PRESTON TO HIS LEFT; JOINED IN MID-CONVERSATION; PAUL IS MAKING FACES, MOCKING PRESTON AS HE RECOUNTS HIS EXPLOITS)

PRESTON RAMSEY III (BOASTFUL)

... Of course, that was just before my last ascent of Mount Everest

PATTY MURPHY (VERY IMPRESSED)

Oh Preston, you've climbed Mount Everest?

PRESTON RAMSEY III 

Three times, actually.

PATTY MURPHY 

Really?... I don't think Paul has gone up to the attic three times since we've been married.

(PAUL SHOOTS PATTY A GLARE)

PRESTON RAMSEY III (BRAGGING)

And I did it without oxygen.

PATTY MURPHY (FLIRTING; INTRIGUED)

No kidding... Your stories certainly take MY breath away, Preston.

PAUL MURPHY (SARCASTIC)

You don't think it has anything to do with the carton of cigarettes you inhaled today, do you?

(PATTY KICKS PAUL UNDER THE TABLE. PAUL REACTS & RUBS BRUISED LEG AS PATTY FAKE-SMILES INNOCENTLY & BATS HER EYES)

PAUL MURPHY (CONT'D)

Ow!... Uh, cramp.

PATTY MURPHY 

This was a wonderful idea. I was feeling a little under the weather after our trip to Mexico.

PRESTON RAMSEY III 

The water?

(PAUL BUTTS IN AGAIN)

PAUL MURPHY 

No, Mad-Cow disease.

(PATTY REACHES UNDER TABLE & JABS AT PAUL; PAUL SILENTLY HOWLS IN TERRIBLE PAIN, APPEARS TO PULL-OUT SOMETHING STUCK IN HIS LEG & REVEALS FORK WHICH PATTY TAKES BACK)

PATTY MURPHY (SWEETLY)

Oh, thank you, I was looking for that.

SHOT OF OUTSIDE OF MURPHY HOUSE INDICATING TIME-LAG

(LATER IN EVENING AFTER DINNER-TABLE HAS BEEN CLEARED; COFFEE CUPS ARE OUT)

PRESTON RAMSEY III (FULL OF HIMSELF)

...that was just after I bagged a trophy water buffalo while on safari in the jungles of Africa...

TIFFANY RAMSEY (TO PATTY)

Don't you think it's disgusting... killing animals for sport?

PATTY MURPHY (PATRONIZING)

Oh, I don't know... I love a man with his own tree-stand.

PAUL MURPHY (INTO TIFFANY'S EYES)

Personally, I find the practice reprehensible and barbaric.

(PAUL GETS CLOSER STILL; ADMIRES HER HAND)

PAUL MURPHY (CONT'D; FLIRTING)

By the way, did I tell you how fantastic your nail-color goes with your lipstick?

TIFFANY RAMSEY (ADMIRING HER NAILS)

Three times already... I think this shade brings out my tan... It's called 'Forbidden Fruitcake.' You didn't seem to get much color in Mexico, did you?

PAUL MURPHY (CAUGHT OFF-GUARD)

Me?... Uh... I-I- That's because I-I, uh, did a lot of, uh... you know, uh, scuba diving.

TIFFANY RAMSEY (PERKS UP)

Cool!!! Have you ever explored an old wreck?

(PAUL LOOKS OVER AT PATTY; SHE SCOWLS)

PAUL MURPHY 

Yes, I have... but that was quite a long time ago...

(PATTY SCOWLS AT PAUL; HE GLARES BACK)

PAUL MURPHY (CONT'D)

You know, Tiffany, you really are a stunning woman.

TIFFANY RAMSEY (FLATTERED)

I bet you say that to all the girls.

PAUL MURPHY 

Not yet... but if it works on you, I'll definitely use it again.

(PAUL FEELS PATTY'S EYES BURNING A HOLE IN THE SIDE OF HIS HEAD & TURNS TO SEE HER GLARING AT HIM)

TIFFANY RAMSEY (SEXY; UNDER HER BREATH)

If I didn't know better, I'd think you were making a pass at me.

PAUL MURPHY 

Of course not! That's ridiculous... Me? Trying to pick you up?... Haaa!

(AS PAUL GRABS BOTTLE OF VODKA ON TABLE & HOLDS IT OVER WINE-GLASS)

PAUL MURPHY (CONT'D) 

Soooooo, would you like some more vodka in your wine?

TIFFANY RAMSEY 

You are just soooo romantic!

(PATTY HAS BEEN LISTENING IN; TURNS & SAYS)

PATTY MURPHY 

He wouldn't know romance if it crawled up his pant-leg and bit him on the arse!

(PAUL & PATTY CLENCH TEETH, GROWL & STARE EACH OTHER DOWN; PAUL GETS UP)

PAUL MURPHY (MAKING EXCUSE)

Patty, I think we need more coffee.

PATTY MURPHY (MESMERIZED BY PRESTON)

Well, go get it.

PAUL MURPHY (INSISTENT; HEAD NOD)

I need your help.

PATTY MURPHY (FLIRTING; W/CONTEMPT)

Get it yourself... It's in the kitchen, not on top of Mount Everest... I think you can make it.

PAUL MURPHY 

PATTY!

PATTY MURPHY (FINALLY TURNS TO HIM)

Do you have a broken arm?

PAUL MURPHY (VERY ANNOYED)

No!

PATTY MURPHY (SARCASTIC)

Do you want one?

(PAUL FINALLY RESORTS TO TAKING PATTY BY THE ARM, PULLING HER OUT OF HER CHAIR AND LEADING HER INTO THE KITCHEN IN A HUFF)

(FADE OUT)
(FADE IN)

SHOT FROM OUTSIDE OF SONNY SNOOPING

SHOT FROM SONNY'S VIEW SHOWING PAUL & PATTY ARGUING IN AN ANIMATED FASHION IN THEIR KITCHEN, JUST OFF THEIR LIVING ROOM

INT: NEIGHBOR'S HOME OF ATTY. SONNY SWIFT 

(SONNY IS BY THE WINDOW LOOKING THROUGH HIS BINOCULARS & TELESCOPE)

ATTY. SONNY SWIFT 

You don't believe they're not getting along?... then see it with your own eyes!... This is proof beyond a reasonable doubt!... Maybe now you'll believe me...

(GLADYS WON'T EVEN LOOK OVER AT HIM; KEEPS WATCHING TV; SONNY OFFERS BINOCULARS)

ATTY. SONNY SWIFT 

Take these! See for yourself!

GLADYS SWIFT (STARING AT TV)

Sonny, I am NOT missing my favorite TV show for this nonsense.

ATTY. SONNY SWIFT (PERSISTANT)

Will you get over here and take these! Give me one second of your time...

GLADYS SWIFT 

Maybe when my show is over.

ATTY. SONNY SWIFT

But...

GLADYS SWIFT (FINGER TO LIPS)

Shhh! Shut up, Sonny! Don't make me crack my face!

(SONNY SHOWS HIS FRUSTRATION)

(FADE OUT)

(FADE IN)

INT: HOME OF PAUL & PATTY: DINING ROOM 

(PAUL, WITH COFFEE POT IN HAND, & PATTY RETURN TO FIND PRESTON & TIFFANY PASSIONATELY EMBRACING NEAR THE FRONT DOOR WITH THEIR COATS ON)

PAUL MURPHY (CONFUSED)

W-w-w-w-where are you going?

(PRESTON & TIFFANY TURN TO APPLAUD IN APPRECIATION )

PRESTON RAMSEY III (VERY IMPRESSED)

Brilliant scheme! Bravo! 

(PAUL & PATTY LOOK AT EACH OTHER TOTALLY CONFUSED)

PAUL MURPHY (BEWILDERED)

Uhhh... excuse me?

PRESTON RAMSEY III (ENTHUSIASTIC)

Marvelous performance! The way you pretended to fight with your wife and act like total fools so that Tiffany and I would realize how silly we were to quarrel. You truly are a genius!

PAUL MURPHY 

But...

PRESTON RAMSEY III 

We'll no longer be needing your services... but we must get together again sometime. 

(AN ENTHUSIASTIC PRESTON EMBRACES TIFFANY AGAIN AS PAUL & PATTY GAWK WITH MOUTHS OPEN IN DISBELIEF)

PRESTON RAMSEY III (CONT'D)

Now, if you'll excuse us, Tiffany and I have to hurry home... 

TIFFANY RAMSEY (SEXY)

That's if we can make it that far, Preston...

(RAMSEYS HEAD FOR DOOR, GROPING EACH OTHER)

PRESTON RAMSEY III (LAUGHING)

Ha ha!... BRILLIANT!

(PRESTON GIVES "OK" SIGN AND SLAMS DOOR BEHIND HIM; PAUL & PATTY FOLLOW THE RAMSEYS OUT THE FRONT DOOR)

(FADE OUT)

(FADE IN)

EXT: OUTSIDE FRONT DOOR OF MURPHY HOUSE 

(PAUL & PATTY ARE WAVING AS THEY ARE SEEING THE RAMSEYS OFF)

PATTY MURPHY (YELLING OUT)

BE CAREFUL! DRIVE SAFELY!

PATTY MURPHY (CONT'D; UNDER HER BREATH, WITH A SMIRK)

I hope they hit a tree.

(PAUL PUTS HIS ARM AROUND PATTY'S SHOULDERS AS THEY STAND IN THE DOORWAY)

PAUL MURPHY 

Well, that sure didn't work out the way I planned... I can't believe I got jealous over you and

PAUL MURPHY (CONT'D; HAUGHTY ACCENT)

Thurston Howell III.

PATTY MURPHY 

Hey, we've been together forever. This divorce is not going to be easy on either one of us.

PAUL MURPHY 

No matter what, I still love ya, baby...

PATTY MURPHY 

I love you too.

(PAUL & PATTY HUG EACH OTHER LOVINGLY)

(FADE OUT)

(FADE IN)

INT: NEIGHBOR'S HOME OF ATTY. SONNY SWIFT 

(NOW GLADYS IS LOOKING OUT WINDOW THROUGH BINOCULARS)

GLADYS SWIFT (PISSED)

You're losing your mind... they're hugging like newlyweds! You are a sick and twisted individual, Sonny... even for a lawyer.

ATTY. SONNY SWIFT 

But...

(GLADYS HANDS BACK THE BINOCULARS)

GLADYS SWIFT (ANGRY)

But nothing... I don't want to hear another word out of you about those nice people next door.

ATTY. SONNY SWIFT 

But...

(GLADYS GLARES MENACINGLY & HOLDS HAND UP, STOPPING HIM IN HIS TRACKS)

GLADYS SWIFT 

I TOLD you... I don't want to hear it!

(SONNY LOOKS FRUSTRATED)

(FADE OUT)

(FADE IN)

EXT: OUTSIDE FRONT DOOR OF MURPHY HOUSE 

(PATTY & PAUL ARE STILL STANDING AT FRONT DOOR AND, WHILE THEY ARE WATCHING THE RAMSEYS DRIVE AWAY, PAUL INADVERTENTLY STARTS WHISTLING THE 'DING DONG' SONG TO HIMSELF)

PATTY MURPHY (TURNS MENACINGLY)

Wait a second! Now I know that song you've been whistling! That's the wicked-witch song!

PAUL MURPHY (SMILING)

What?

PATTY MURPHY 

DON'T 'WHAT?' ME... I'LL DING-DONG YOU INTO NEXT TUESDAY, BUSTER!

(PATTY PLAYFULLY WHACKS THE LAUGHING PAUL, WHO COVERS-UP & HOWLS IN MOCK PAIN AS SHE BEATS HIM UP)

PAUL MURPHY (LAUGHING)

OWW!! Where are your flying monkeys? Ha ha ha

(PATTY CONTINUES TO ATTACK PAUL)

PAUL MURPHY (COVERING-UP)

Watch out for the coffee! You'll melt! Ha ha ha!

(FADE OUT)

SHOT OF SONNY LOOKING THROUGH BINOCULARS FROM OUTSIDE THE HOUSE

(FADE IN)

INT: NEIGHBOR'S HOME OF ATTY. SONNY SWIFT 

(SONNY HAS TAKEN THE BINOCULARS BACK FROM HIS WIFE AND HAS BEEN LOOKING OUT THE WINDOW AGAIN; SONNY EXCITEDLY TRIES TO GET HIS WIFE'S ATTENTION)

ATTY. SONNY SWIFT (PLEADS)

GLADYS!

(GLADYS WANTS NO PART OF IT; SHE PUTS HER HAND UP TO STOP HIM SHORT AS SONNY SHAKES HIS HEAD IN RESIGNATION)

(FADE OUT)