LA Misérables, Six:
Carry-on My Wayward Son”
DAY 1126 - APRIL 11TH,
Thank you Oh say can you see a McDonalds in your neighborhood
And were ready to begin Our pitcher goes to the rubber as you know sponsored by Trojan®, the official rubber of Major League Baseball and goes into his wind-up aaaand the pitch gets away from him and almost beans the batter!
I dont know about you, Ken, but when I think beans, I think B&M® original Boston-style baked beans, now available at Ralphs Supermarkets.
Thats right, Ed. Now heres the next pitch its a shallow fly to left field by the way, this pop-up is sponsored by Viagra® Take Viagra® and see what pops-up! and its caught by Alvarez for the first out.
The next batter is Benjamin. Hes batting
.279 this year and steps into the box
I should mention that the batters box is
maintained by Midsummers Eve®
feminine hygiene products
Dont let your
box keep you from being a hit, ladies, use Midsummers Eve®
Its a sharp
single into centerfield and thats our first Together Dating Service® single of the day
When youre tired of the singles scene, Together® will help you score.
Thats a fact, Ken.
Coming to the plate now is the shortstop, Spinelli. The pitch is outside and Benjamin breaks for second-base hes safe! Its a Club® car-security stolen base and hes on second.
Ken, while Benjamin brushes the dirt off his
uniform, Id like to take the time to welcome a new second-base sponsor
Maidenform® bras. If you ever got to second-base, chances are your hand
was reaching under a Maidenform®.
Heres Maxwells pitch
Spinelli lines it into Kentucky Fried Chicken® fowl-territory. Yes, compared to Kentucky Fried Chicken® other
fowl is only fair.
Well said, Ken.
The next pitch is a ball and Maxwell is arguing. I have to agree, Ed, from here the pitch looked like it caught the outside of the plate.
Its no surprise that Lenscrafters® custom lenses dropped this umpire, Ken.
Good point, Ed
Here we go, hes
Maxwell winds-up and throws
strike two. He fooled Spinelli with a Jiffy
When your oil needs a change-up, see Jiffy Lube®.
Hes ready and Maxwell delivers
and a miss, strike three
and Maxwell has a his first Glade® air-freshener whiff of the
ball-game. For those times when life literally
stinks, take a whiff of Glade®
now available in Freshly-Cut Grass, New Car and French
Heres an update that just came in on our FTD® Florist scoreboard, Ken LA Gear 4 - Kansas Citi-banks 2 and dont forget to call and order flowers from FTD® today. Face it guys, if you cant score with a dozen roses, it must be you!.
Stepping up to the plate is Sullivan its a pitch-out and they have Benjamin trapped in a genuine Vlasic® pickle between second and third
Its a classic rundown, Ken.
Did you say rundown, Ed? When Im feeling rundown, I take Geritol®, yes, Gerit and Benjamin evades the tag and slides into third just like the razor will slide over your beard when you use soothing Gillette Foamy® shave cream for tough beards and sensitive skin.
Ken, Benjamin is getting up slowly. It looks like he may have twisted an ankle.
While hes being examined, well use this injury time-out to plug Shapiro & Rosenthal attorneys-at-law, specializing in personal injury claims.
I sprained my wrist turning a 6-4-3 double-play and Murray Shapiro got me $450,000.00!
Remember, Shapiro & Rosenthal, attorneys-at-law for all your litigation needs aaaand Sullivan takes ball two, low and inside.
That was one, very-low ball, Ken.
I hate when that happens, Ed but when it does, its good to know that my office visit is covered by my New York Life® comprehensive health plan.
Ken, our listeners should be informed that todays strikes are being sponsored by Lucky Strike® cigarettes while our balls are covered by Jockey®-Shorts mens underwear.
I know mine are, Ed. Back to the ballgame Benjamin has shaken it off and seems to be all right, so were ready to resume Maxwell delivers ball three The next pitch is on the way and he walks Sullivan on four straight pitches. I assume hell intentionally walk Cruz to load the bases and pitch to Sanders.
Ken, Sanders has been hitting the hell out of the ball since he switched from the promotional Star Wars® Phantom Menace® light-sword bat to that all-beef Oscar Meyer Wiener® bat.
OK, Maxwell nervously adjusts the Burger King® paper crown on his head and looks toward the plate
The infield is at Kinkos® Copies double-play depth, but this early in the game, I doubt theyre looking for a Clearasil® squeeze-play.
here comes the pitch, Sanders swings its going, going gone! Just like your painful hemorrhoids will be going, going, GONE! with new and improved Anusol® and its a Dennys Grand-Slam®. Thats four more IBM® RBIs for Sanders and four runs toward our Pepto Bismal® Whos Got the Runs? contest.
Thats why this is Americas game, Ken!
Actually, Ed, its American Airlines® game, now that they bought the rights
DAY 1174 MAY 29TH,
I love my parents more than anything else Ive ever loved in the world. They are the greatest parents in the history of parenting and I owe everything I am and everything I have to their guidance, sacrifice, generosity, kindness, example, dedication and love.
That said, during the course of a car trip with my parents they still treat me like Im a little kid and I tend to develop a strange nervous-twitch that grows in intensity with duration of the ride.
(*authors note: The notation indicating the intensity of my twitch is noted on a scale from 1-to-10, with 1 representing a subtle jerking of the head and 10 representing a full-blown seizure and/or anxiety attack.)
Paul, Im cold. You can make it warmer in here if you turn that knob on the dashboard toward the red.
I know mom, I have a heater in my car too.
Paul, have you ever eaten at that fast-food place? They serve hamburgers.
Ya, mom. Ive been to McDonalds before.
Ooooh, watch out, hes slowing down!
Is that what it means when those red lights in the back of the car get brighter? Knowing that will make driving so much easier for me! (twitch *1)
I like your new car, dad. Whats this button do?
Dont touch that, youll break something!
Dad, Im not seven! (twitch *2)
Paul, have you been eating in LA?
No, I usually wait until I come back to Boston every two or three months, mom Whata ya mean, have I been eating? Of course Ive been eating. (twitch *3)
That that thing you have on your face
Ya, that thing you remind me of someone Do you know who you look like?
No, who, mom?
I dont know a bum or maybe Charles Manson, or a child molester or Lucifer. Why dont you shave it? (twitch *4)
Mom, I didnt grow it to just piss you off, and Im not shaving it just to make you happy.
Paul, watch out!
I see him,
dad! (twitch *4.5)
No you didnt, you werent looking you were gonna hit him.
Dad, do you think that I just plow right into people everyday when youre not in the car to direct me? Is that how stupid you think I am? Maaaa, tell hi
HEY, HEY keep your eyes on the road!
I was looki (twitch *5)
You werent looking you were turned-around, looking at your mother in the back seat.
But just for a split secon (twitch*5.5)
How can you tell me you can see the road ahead if your head is facing in totally the opposite direction, Mr. Boston College? Is that what they taught you there? Huh? Is that what I paid for? Thats why you got into that other accident.
Accident? Accident? What accident? What are you talking about? I wasnt in any accident.
You forget that you smashed into the high school and totalled my company car?
You mean when I was sixteen? (twitch *6) The first week I got my drivers license? Twenty-seven years ago? Dad, I would hope Ive progressed a little since high scho
PAAaul, did you hear that So-and-Sos son just moved into a beautiful, brand-new $450,000.00 house in Lynnfield?
Yes, I did mom the house that his father, the wealthy contractor, built for him Did you ever think that that information would be an important part of the story, Ma? This is a good time for you to change the subject.
and theyre putting in an Olympic-sized swimming pool in the backyard of course they have two and a half acres and his two sons both made the All-Star team What good-looking kids and his daughter is a brain with computers. Shes studying in Spain this summer The grandparents are sooo proud (twitch *7)
Jesus Christ, Paul!!! Dont you see this guy on
Let him go, let him go!!!
(twitch *7) Thats it. Dad, take the steering wheel, I dont want to drive anymore Go ahead, take it (twitch *7.5)
What the hell are you doing with your arms folded? Steer the damn car!
No Im not steering. Everything I do is wrong. You take it, I dont wanna drive your new car
You two stop fighting up there! Grow up and steer the car, Paul act your age youre almost fifty!
Maaaaaa, Im only 43, Im not fifty yet. You always make me older than I am. (twitch *8)
Close enough. All I know is that I saw the Such-and-Suchs the other day what a beautiful family they have and I have never once not once, ever heard anyone in that family raise their voice or argue like you two animals do
Maaaa, you see them twice a year, at the most and its at functions and weddings and dinners and banquets Of course theyre not fighting at those places! You dont know what they do at home when theyre alone behind closed doors (twitch *8) They could be beating the shit out of each other in there or they could be incestuous perverts or Satan worshippers or they could be making amateur bondage pornos with the babysitter or smoking crack How do you kno
Take this LEFT!!!
I think I know where you guys live, dad! I grew up there, remember? (twitch *9)
You grew up? When? I dont seem to remember you ever growing up
Put the car in park, turn the headlights off and lock the doors, Paul.
Paul, do you want to come in and have something to eat?
You can e-mail Paul D'Angelo at firstname.lastname@example.org
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