Excerpts
from “LA Misérables, Six:
Carry-on My Wayward Son” DAY 1126 - APRIL 11TH,
1999 “Thank you… Oh say can you see… a McDonalds in your neighborhood…” “And we’re ready to begin… Our pitcher goes to the rubber… as you know sponsored by Trojan®, the official rubber of Major League Baseball… and goes into his wind-up aaaand… the pitch gets away from him and almost beans the batter!” “I don’t know about you, Ken, but when I think beans, I think B&M® original Boston-style baked beans, now available at Ralph’s Supermarkets.” “That’s right, Ed. Now here’s the next pitch… it’s a shallow fly to left field… by the way, this pop-up is sponsored by Viagra®… Take Viagra® and see what pops-up!… and it’s caught by Alvarez for the first out. “The next batter is Benjamin. He’s batting
.279 this year and steps into the box… I should mention that the batter’s box is
maintained by Midsummer’s Eve®
feminine hygiene products… Don’t let your
box keep you from being a hit, ladies, use Midsummer’s Eve® … It’s a sharp
single into centerfield and that’s our first Together Dating Service® single of the day… When you’re tired of the singles scene, Together® will help you score.” “That’s a fact, Ken.” “Coming to the plate now is the shortstop, Spinelli. The pitch is outside… and Benjamin breaks for second-base… he’s safe! It’s a Club® car-security stolen base… and he’s on second. “Ken, while Benjamin brushes the dirt off his
uniform, I’d like to take the time to welcome a new second-base sponsor…
Maidenform® bras. If you ever got to second-base, chances are your hand
was reaching under a Maidenform®.” “Here’s Maxwell’s pitch… aaand
Spinelli lines it into Kentucky Fried Chicken® fowl-territory. Yes, compared to Kentucky Fried Chicken® other
fowl is only fair.” “Well said, Ken.” “The next pitch is a ball… and Maxwell is arguing. I have to agree, Ed, from here the pitch looked like it caught the outside of the plate.” “It’s no surprise that Lenscrafters® custom lenses dropped this umpire, Ken.” “Good point, Ed… Here we go, he’s
ready… Maxwell winds-up and throws… strike two. He fooled Spinelli with a Jiffy
Lube® change-up… When your oil needs a change-up, see Jiffy Lube®.” “He’s ready and Maxwell delivers… swing
and a miss, strike three… and Maxwell has a his first Glade® air-freshener whiff of the
ball-game. For those times when life literally
stinks, take a whiff of Glade® … now available in Freshly-Cut Grass, New Car and French
Whore.” “Here’s an update that just came in on our FTD® Florist scoreboard, Ken… LA Gear 4 - Kansas Citi-banks 2… and don’t forget to call and order flowers from FTD® today. Face it guys, if you can’t score with a dozen roses, it must be you!. “Stepping up to the plate is Sullivan… it’s a pitch-out and they have Benjamin trapped in a genuine Vlasic® pickle between second and third…” “It’s a classic rundown, Ken.” “Did you say rundown, Ed? When I’m feeling rundown, I take Geritol®, yes, Gerit… and Benjamin evades the tag and slides into third just like the razor will slide over your beard when you use soothing Gillette Foamy® shave cream for tough beards and sensitive skin.” “Ken, Benjamin is getting up slowly. It looks like he may have twisted an ankle.” “While he’s being examined, we’ll use this injury time-out to plug Shapiro & Rosenthal attorneys-at-law, specializing in personal injury claims.” “I sprained my wrist turning a 6-4-3 double-play and Murray Shapiro got me $450,000.00!” “Remember, Shapiro & Rosenthal, attorneys-at-law for all your litigation needs… aaaand Sullivan takes ball two, low and inside.” “That was one, very-low ball, Ken.” “I hate when that happens, Ed… but when it does, it’s good to know that my office visit is covered by my New York Life® comprehensive health plan.” “Ken, our listeners should be informed that today’s strikes are being sponsored by Lucky Strike® cigarettes while our balls are covered by Jockey®-Shorts men’s underwear.” “I know mine are, Ed. Back to the ballgame… Benjamin has shaken it off and seems to be all right, so we’re ready to resume… Maxwell delivers ball three… The next pitch is on the way and… he walks Sullivan on four straight pitches. I assume he’ll intentionally walk Cruz to load the bases and pitch to Sanders.” “Ken, Sanders has been hitting the hell out of the ball since he switched from the promotional Star Wars® Phantom Menace® light-sword bat to that all-beef Oscar Meyer Wiener® bat.” “OK, Maxwell nervously adjusts the Burger King® paper crown on his head and looks toward the plate…” “The infield is at Kinkos® Copies double-play depth, but this early in the game, I doubt they’re looking for a Clearasil® squeeze-play.” “… here comes the pitch, Sanders swings… it’s going, going… gone! Just like your painful hemorrhoids will be going, going, GONE! with new and improved Anusol®… and it’s a Denny’s Grand-Slam®. That’s four more IBM® RBI’s for Sanders and four runs toward our Pepto Bismal® ‘Who’s Got the Runs?’ contest.” “That’s why this is America’s game, Ken!” “Actually, Ed, it’s American Airlines’® game, now that they bought the rights…”
“Right…
right…”
DAY 1174 – MAY 29TH,
1999 I love my parents more than anything else I’ve ever loved in the world. They are the greatest parents in the history of parenting and I owe everything I am and everything I have to their guidance, sacrifice, generosity, kindness, example, dedication and love. That said, during the course of a car trip with my parents they still treat me like I’m a little kid and I tend to develop a strange nervous-twitch that grows in intensity with duration of the ride. (*author’s note: The notation indicating the intensity of my twitch is noted on a scale from 1-to-10, with 1 representing a subtle jerking of the head and 10 representing a full-blown seizure and/or anxiety attack.) “Paul, I’m cold. You can make it warmer in here if you turn that knob on the dashboard toward the red.” “I know mom, I have a heater in my car too.” “Paul, have you ever eaten at that fast-food place? They serve hamburgers.” “Ya, mom. I’ve been to McDonald’s before.” “Ooooh, watch out, he’s slowing down!” “Is that what it means when those red lights in the back of the car get brighter? Knowing that will make driving so much easier for me!” (twitch *1) “I like your new car, dad. What’s this button do?” “Don’t touch that, you’ll break something!” “Dad, I’m not seven!” (twitch *2) “Paul, have you been eating in LA?” “No, I usually wait until I come back to Boston every two or three months, mom… What’a ya mean, have I been eating? Of course I’ve been eating.” (twitch *3) “That… that thing you have on your face…” “The goatee?” “Ya, that thing… you remind me of someone… Do you know who you look like?” “No, who, mom?” “I don’t know… a bum… or maybe Charles Manson, or a child molester… or Lucifer. Why don’t you shave it?” (twitch *4) “Mom, I didn’t grow it to just piss you off, and I’m not shaving it just to make you happy.”
“Paul, watch out!”
“I see him,
dad!” (twitch *4.5) “No you didn’t, you weren’t looking… you were gonna hit him.” “Dad, do you think that I just plow right into people everyday when you’re not in the car to direct me? Is that how stupid you think I am?… Maaaa, tell hi…” “HEY, HEY… keep your eyes on the road!” “I was looki…” (twitch *5) “You weren’t looking… you were turned-around, looking at your mother in the back seat.” “But just for a split secon…” (twitch*5.5) “How can you tell me you can see the road ahead if your head is facing in totally the opposite direction, Mr. Boston College? Is that what they taught you there? Huh?… Is that what I paid for?… That’s why you got into that other accident.” “Accident?… Accident?… What accident?… What are you talking about? I wasn’t in any accident.” “You forget that you smashed into the high school and totalled my company car?” “You mean when I was sixteen? (twitch *6) The first week I got my driver’s license?… Twenty-seven years ago? Dad, I would hope I’ve progressed a little since high scho…” “PAAaul, did you hear that So-and-So’s son just moved into a beautiful, brand-new $450,000.00 house in Lynnfield?” “Yes, I did mom… the house that his father, the wealthy contractor, built for him… Did you ever think that that information would be an important part of the story, Ma?… This is a good time for you to change the subject.” “… and they’re putting in an Olympic-sized swimming pool in the backyard… of course they have two and a half acres… and his two sons both made the All-Star team… What good-looking kids… and his daughter is a brain with computers. She’s studying in Spain this summer… The grandparents are sooo proud…” (twitch *7) “Maaa, I…”
“Jesus Christ, Paul!!! Don’t you see this guy on
your right?… Let him go, let him go!!!” (twitch *7) “That’s it. Dad, take the steering wheel, I don’t want to drive anymore… Go ahead, take it…” (twitch *7.5) “What the hell are you doing with your arms folded? Steer the damn car!” “No… I’m not steering. Everything I do is wrong. You take it, I don’t wanna drive your new car…” “You two stop fighting up there! Grow up and steer the car, Paul… act your age… you’re almost fifty!” “Maaaaaa, I’m only 43, I’m not fifty yet. You always make me older than I am.” (twitch *8) “Close enough. All I know is that I saw the Such-and-Such’s the other day… what a beautiful family they have… and I have never once… not once, ever heard anyone in that family raise their voice or argue like you two animals do…” “Maaaa, you see them twice a year, at the most… and it’s at functions and weddings and dinners and banquets… Of course they’re not fighting at those places! You don’t know what they do at home when they’re alone behind closed doors… (twitch *8) They could be beating the shit out of each other in there… or they could be incestuous perverts… or Satan worshippers… or they could be making amateur bondage pornos with the babysitter… or smoking crack… How do you kno…”
“Take this LEFT!!!” “I think I know where you guys live, dad! I grew up there, remember?” (twitch *9) “You grew up?… When?… I don’t seem to remember you ever growing up…” “Aggggghhhhhhhhh!!!!” “Put the car in park, turn the headlights off and lock the doors, Paul.” (spasms begin) “Paul, do you want to come in and have something to eat?” "Sure!" |
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