HOME    L.A. Misérables Series   I    II     III    V    VI

Excerpts from

"LA Misérables, Four:

If I Had a Better Health Plan, 

I’d Get My Head Examined"

DAY 713 - FEBRUARY 21^ST, 1998

Joey Bielaska, a great guy who runs Joey’s Comedy Club, took me to a Italian restaurant This Afternoon. I haven’t eaten that well in a long time… or nearly that much. I feel like a pig now… and my belly is making funny noises and doesn’t feel so good…

"Ladies and gentlemen!!!… I’m your ring announcer for today’s heavyweight, brawl in Paul’s tummy…. In one corner, we have the greasy antipasto, almost an whole loaf of warm garlic-bread dipped in olive oil and, weighing in at two full helpings, it’s the lasagna!!!!…

"And now for our challengers in the other corner of Paul’s stomach… We have a bottle of cheap Chianti, a heaping pile of tiramisu, two cups of industrial strength espresso with a healthy shot of Sambuca on the side!…

"LLLLLLLLLLLet’s get rrrrrrready to rrrrrrrrrrumble!!!"

At my age, dating is not getting any easier, let me tell you. No matter what your marital status, if a woman wants to find a reason not to get serious with you, she’ll find it.

a) If you’re in your forties and you’ve never been married, even if you appear to be a wonderful guy, there must be something seriously wrong with you that they can’t see… some reason why you’ve never been able to make a commitment, or some explanation for the fact that no woman you’ve gone out with would do the same.

b) If you’ve been divorced, then there is obviously something wrong with you because you couldn’t make the marriage work.

c) If you are married, the woman you’re attracted to will make you think that you’d be perfect for them but, unfortunately, you’re taken and not available.

d) If you believe that bullshit and decide to get divorced so you can be with the woman that told you that , see b).

I’ve got to be honest with you. Comedians who work the road always have stories about getting laid when they are out of town, but it never seems to happen for me. I seem to spend a lot of time alone.

Even if I could get lucky, the 90’s can be intimidating. I’m so afraid of being sued for sexual harassment or wrongfully charged with criminal assault for behavior that that I believed to be consensual that, before I get to second base with a girl,… if I ever get to second base with a girl,… I am prepared to pull out a written waiver for her to sign before I even consider taking her bra off.

WAIVER OF LIABILITY

"This document serves as written notice that the following physical act reflects the mutual intention of both parties and (print girl’s name here) agrees to waive all her rights, releases and forever discharges, both individually and in her capacity as a woman, any and all criminal complaints, civil suits, claims for damages, demands, liabilities, book deals, tabloid interviews and trashy talk-show appearances concerning (print your name here) with respect to his involvement, interactions and sexual and/or physical contact of any type or form arising from all intimate conduct and sexual advances made by said party during this date.

Signed the ___ day of ______, 19__

______________________________

(please sign here)

- CLIP AND SAVE IN YOUR WALLET
NEXT TO CONDOM -

As your attorney, I advise you that you can never be too careful these days.

DAY 714 - FEBRUARY 22^ND, 1998

Ahhhhhh… back home to L.A. again. Los Angeles is a great place to live.

It must be… after all, 200,000 gang members can’t be wrong.

DAY 707 - FEBRUARY 15^TH, 1998

Seeing as my friends and I have no girlfriends or social life, so to speak, it only seemed logical to upgrade the entertainment complex that doubles as my apartment and replace my outdated Sega-Genesis videogame with a new Nintendo-64 unit. Now, all of a sudden, I have been extremely busy booking shows, submitting press kits and setting up meetings and showcases, which I have been doing out of my apartment… now making it an arcade-slash-apartment-slash-office.

Today, I was conducting some relatively important business on the telephone while Max and Mitch were engrossed with an incredibly graphic action game, Turok: Dinosaur Hunter, in the same room… which raises the question: Is this any way to do business?

"Yes sir… I’ll deliver a copy of the videotape along with the promotional materials to the casting office at Disney Studios in Burbank this afternoon… (in the background of the conversation is the rhythm of primitive, native war-drums, the shrieking of various species of prehistoric jungle birds and howling dinosaurs, periodically punctuated with a burst of gunfire and/or exploding hand-grenades followed by the anguished cries of dying human and reptilian victims…)

"… I understand that I’m obligated to conduct a live radio interview… (Aieeee… eeee… eeee…eeee…) …on that Wednesday morning between 8:00 and 9:00 Eastern Standard Time … (GROWWWWWLLLLL!…) …to promote the show… (rat-tat-tat-tat-tat-tat-tat… BOOOOM!…) Let me just get the number for the station’s direct line from you…. (Auuuuggggggghhhhhh!…) …and my contact person will be?… (Grrrrrrrrrrr… pow-pow-pow-pow…) I’m sorry sir, I missed that spelling, could you please repeat the… (GROWWWWWLLLLL!… rat-tat-tat-tat-tat-tat-tat… Ughhhhhhh!…) Yes sir, I… (Ahh-ahhh-oooooh… BOOOOOM!…) I’m sorry sir, that’s just my friend destroying a dinosaur, excuse me for just a moment… Hey Max, the pistol won’t work. You have to use the rocket launcher to destroy the two-headed, armored beast… that’s it… you got’im now… (POOOWWWWW!… Aggggghhhhhh!!!!…) I apologize for interrupting sir, as I was saying, I have already been in touch with… BEHIND YOU, MAX! THE CAVEMAN’S GOT A BIG-ASS MACHETE! B-BUTTON! HIT THE FUCKIN’ B-BUTTON!!!…(Bam-bam-bam-bam-bam!! Aaaaaaaaaaa!!!…) You wasted him, yes!!!…… Ah hem, pardon me, sir… I’m back… So I’ve spoken to the literary department and… (RRRRRRRRRRRR!… Uggghhhh!!… Pow-pow-pow…) …Max, grab the ammo clip next to the rotting carcass!!… (Rrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr!…) …RAPTOR AT 2:00!! VAPORIZE THAT JURASSIC-PRICK LIZARD MOTHERFUCKER!!!!… (Rat-tat-tat-tat POW! Auuuuggghhhh!!!…) …EAT LEAD, BARNEY!!!… I’m sooo sorry, sir… Sir?… Hello, sir?… Sir?….………… …..Shit…"

HOME    L.A. Misérables Series   I     II    III    V     VI