Id Get My Head Examined"
DAY 713 - FEBRUARY 21ST, 1998
Joey Bielaska, a great guy who runs Joeys Comedy Club, took me to a Italian restaurant This Afternoon. I havent eaten that well in a long time or nearly that much. I feel like a pig now and my belly is making funny noises and doesnt feel so good
"Ladies and gentlemen!!! Im your ring announcer for todays heavyweight, brawl in Pauls tummy . In one corner, we have the greasy antipasto, almost an whole loaf of warm garlic-bread dipped in olive oil and, weighing in at two full helpings, its the lasagna!!!!
"And now for our challengers in the other corner of Pauls stomach We have a bottle of cheap Chianti, a heaping pile of tiramisu, two cups of industrial strength espresso with a healthy shot of Sambuca on the side!
"LLLLLLLLLLLets get rrrrrrready to rrrrrrrrrrumble!!!"
At my age, dating is not getting any easier, let me tell you. No matter what your marital status, if a woman wants to find a reason not to get serious with you, shell find it.
a) If youre in your forties and youve never been married, even if you appear to be a wonderful guy, there must be something seriously wrong with you that they cant see some reason why youve never been able to make a commitment, or some explanation for the fact that no woman youve gone out with would do the same.
b) If youve been divorced, then there is obviously something wrong with you because you couldnt make the marriage work.
c) If you are married, the woman youre attracted to will make you think that youd be perfect for them but, unfortunately, youre taken and not available.
d) If you believe that bullshit and decide to get divorced so you can be with the woman that told you that , see b).
Ive got to be honest with you. Comedians who work the road always have stories about getting laid when they are out of town, but it never seems to happen for me. I seem to spend a lot of time alone.
Even if I could get lucky, the 90s can be intimidating. Im so afraid of being sued for sexual harassment or wrongfully charged with criminal assault for behavior that that I believed to be consensual that, before I get to second base with a girl, if I ever get to second base with a girl, I am prepared to pull out a written waiver for her to sign before I even consider taking her bra off.
WAIVER OF LIABILITY
As your attorney, I advise you that you can never be too careful these days.
DAY 714 - FEBRUARY 22ND, 1998
Ahhhhhh back home to L.A. again. Los Angeles is a great place to live.
It must be after all, 200,000 gang members cant be wrong.
DAY 707 - FEBRUARY 15TH, 1998
Seeing as my friends and I have no girlfriends or social life, so to speak, it only seemed logical to upgrade the entertainment complex that doubles as my apartment and replace my outdated Sega-Genesis videogame with a new Nintendo-64 unit. Now, all of a sudden, I have been extremely busy booking shows, submitting press kits and setting up meetings and showcases, which I have been doing out of my apartment now making it an arcade-slash-apartment-slash-office.
Today, I was conducting some relatively important business on the telephone while Max and Mitch were engrossed with an incredibly graphic action game, Turok: Dinosaur Hunter, in the same room which raises the question: Is this any way to do business?
"Yes sir Ill deliver a copy of the videotape along with the promotional materials to the casting office at Disney Studios in Burbank this afternoon (in the background of the conversation is the rhythm of primitive, native war-drums, the shrieking of various species of prehistoric jungle birds and howling dinosaurs, periodically punctuated with a burst of gunfire and/or exploding hand-grenades followed by the anguished cries of dying human and reptilian victims )
" I understand that Im obligated to conduct a live radio interview (Aieeee eeee eeee eeee ) on that Wednesday morning between 8:00 and 9:00 Eastern Standard Time (GROWWWWWLLLLL! ) to promote the show (rat-tat-tat-tat-tat-tat-tat BOOOOM! ) Let me just get the number for the stations direct line from you . (Auuuuggggggghhhhhh! ) and my contact person will be? (Grrrrrrrrrrr pow-pow-pow-pow ) Im sorry sir, I missed that spelling, could you please repeat the (GROWWWWWLLLLL! rat-tat-tat-tat-tat-tat-tat Ughhhhhhh! ) Yes sir, I (Ahh-ahhh-oooooh BOOOOOM! ) Im sorry sir, thats just my friend destroying a dinosaur, excuse me for just a moment Hey Max, the pistol wont work. You have to use the rocket launcher to destroy the two-headed, armored beast thats it you gotim now (POOOWWWWW! Aggggghhhhhh!!!! ) I apologize for interrupting sir, as I was saying, I have already been in touch with BEHIND YOU, MAX! THE CAVEMANS GOT A BIG-ASS MACHETE! B-BUTTON! HIT THE FUCKIN B-BUTTON!!! (Bam-bam-bam-bam-bam!! Aaaaaaaaaaa!!! ) You wasted him, yes!!! Ah hem, pardon me, sir Im back So Ive spoken to the literary department and (RRRRRRRRRRRR! Uggghhhh!! Pow-pow-pow ) Max, grab the ammo clip next to the rotting carcass!! (Rrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr! ) RAPTOR AT 2:00!! VAPORIZE THAT JURASSIC-PRICK LIZARD MOTHERFUCKER!!!! (Rat-tat-tat-tat POW! Auuuuggghhhh!!! ) EAT LEAD, BARNEY!!! Im sooo sorry, sir Sir? Hello, sir? Sir? . ..Shit "
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