{"id":999,"date":"2015-06-29T20:56:40","date_gmt":"2015-06-29T20:56:40","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/www.pdangelo.com\/site\/?p=999"},"modified":"2015-06-29T20:56:40","modified_gmt":"2015-06-29T20:56:40","slug":"8-whats-the-hurry","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/www.pdangelo.com\/site\/8-whats-the-hurry\/","title":{"rendered":"#8: What’s the Hurry?"},"content":{"rendered":"

\"Hurry<\/a>What’s the Hurry?<\/p>\n


\nMy parents were married almost 50 years when my dad passed away.
\nThat is quite an achievement in and of itself these days and, believe it or not, my father and mother seemed to be closer than ever after 50 years of marriage.
\nThat may not always be the case\u2026
\nMy dear friends Dugie and Marie have been married over 50 years, and they are as close as can be as well\u2026 but\u2026 given the chance?
\nLet me explain.
\nMy friend Dugie is very active\u2026 and very unlucky\u2026 because he has logged more time in hospitals than everyone else I know put together. In fact, I need to call the phone number so much, I have his hospital on speed-dial\u2026 and that\u2019s not a joke.
\nAccident prone? Dugie has been accidently shot in a hunting accident\u2026 tossed against the rocks and almost killed while scuba diving\u2026 been badly bitten by a German Shepherd\u2026 stabbed when he worked as a Court Officer\u2026 had his leg crushed in a boating mishap \u2026 and was knocked unconscious numerous times.
\nHe also had two open heart surgeries, several stents, suffered 5 broken ankles, a broken collarbone, God-only-knows how many stitches, and a multitude of other injuries, wounds, diseases, operations and procedures far too numerous to mention.
\nDugie even caught the Bird Flu when he was cleaning an old nest out of a birdhouse and slipped into a coma for several days.
\nWho the hell catches the Bird Flu?
\nIt was actually touch-and-go for a while.
\nAnd when he finally awoke I was waiting there by his bedside\u2026 like a good friend\u2026 along with a 10-lb. bag of birdseed\u2026 Just in case he wanted a snack.
\nDugie was only strong enough to murmur a solitary word\u2026 \u201cAsshole.\u201d<\/em>
\n\u201cHa ha ha.\u201d
\nAnyway, one day\u2026 and this could only happen to Dugie\u2026 a bee somehow flew up his nose and stung him. Don\u2019t ask me how.
\nNeedless to say, Dugie was highly allergic to bee stings.
\nWho would have guessed?
\nOnce again, he was starting to slip into yet another coma and asked his wife of over 50 years to once again rush him to the emergency room because there wasn\u2019t enough time to call an ambulance.
\nThe way Dugie tells it, Marie was in no big hurry to get him there\u2026 and he\u2019s lucky that he only lives a mile and a half away from the hospital!
\nAfter taking her sweet time to change her outfit, Marie helped Dugie out to the car, then spent a few minutes casually putting on make-up in the rearview mirror.
\n\u201cLet\u2019s go, Marie!\u201d
\n\u201cI\u2019m going, I\u2019m going. Hold your horses.\u201d
\nFrom what I understand, during the short drive, Marie drove at approximately the same speed as those massive crawlers that are used to transport rockets carrying the Space Shuttle to their launching pad\u2026 and, if you are not familiar with these gargantuan Modern Marvels, there\u2019s a very good reason they call them \u2018crawlers.\u2019
\nAs they approached an intersection, I hear that Marie came to a full stop as soon as the traffic light turned yellow.
\n\u201cWhat the hell are you doin\u2019, Marie? Will you hurry-up and get me to the damn hospital!\u201d
\n\u201cI don\u2019t want to get a ticket, Dugie. Don\u2019t be so selfish!\u201d
\n\u201cSelfish?… It\u2019s an emergency, Marie! I\u2019m dying!\u201d
\n\u201cOhhhh, it\u2019s always got to be about you, Dugie… my bleeding leg\u2026 my broken bone\u2026 my heart attack\u2026 my death\u2026 Me, me, me.\u201d
\nI\u2019m told that, when she finally got the green light, the cars lined-up behind her in traffic had to honk their horns repeatedly to get Marie to move.
\n\u201cRelax! Why is everyone in such a hurry these days?\u201d
\n\u201cCome on, Marie! If you don\u2019t pick-up the pace, I\u2019m not going to make it!\u201d
\n\u201cYa, ya, ya\u2026\u201d
\nShortly thereafter, she slowed and waved-on some pedestrians who were waiting to cross the street\u2026 including an elderly woman with a walker\u2026 even though Marie had the right of way.
\n\u201cWhat the hell are you doing, Marie? I\u2019m starting to lose consciousness! Step on it!\u201d
\n(Under her breath) \u201cAt least it will be quiet in here.\u201d
\n(turning up his hearing aide) \u201cWhat was that Marie?\u201d
\n\u201cI said, \u2018We\u2019re almost there\u2019.\u201d
\nThen she graciously let a car cut in front of her that was trying to pull into traffic.
\n\u201cGo ahead\u2026 (to herself) What\u2019s this guy doing now?… No, no, you go. It\u2019s OK, no rush\u2026 You\u2019re welcome!\u201d
\nDugie said weakly, \u201cMove it, Marie, I\u2019m fading fast.\u201d
\nThat\u2019s about the time she stopped to get gas.
\nOver the course of the mile and a half drive, Marie apparently pulled-over three times to ask for directions\u2026 once, according to Dugie, specifically asking for \u201cthe way to the farthest hospital.\u201d
\nNow Dugie muttered feebly, \u201cMarie, just go to the emergency entrance and give the car to the valet parkers.\u201d
\nShe said, \u201cNo way, Dugie! They\u2019ll want me to tip them and I\u2019m saving my money for something important.\u201d
\nBarely speaking above a whisper now, Dugie wheezed, \u201cWhat can be more important than this, Marie?\u201d
\n\u201cOhhh\u2026 You\u2019d be surprised, I have a list.\u201d
\nWell, despite Marie\u2019s best efforts, Dugie survived\u2026 but not before lying unconscious for several days.
\nAnother day, another coma\u2026 ho hum.
\nAnd when Dugie finally came out of his stupor\u2026 like a good friend, once again \u2026 I was waiting patiently at his bedside\u2026 this time holding a biiiiiig jar of honey.
\nBuzzzzzzzz Buzzzzzzzz
\nAnd, somehow, Dugie found the strength to softly utter but a single word\u2026 \u201cAsshole.\u201d<\/em>
\nHey, what can I say?… That\u2019s what friends are for!<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

What’s the Hurry?<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"closed","ping_status":"closed","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"_exactmetrics_skip_tracking":false,"_exactmetrics_sitenote_active":false,"_exactmetrics_sitenote_note":"","_exactmetrics_sitenote_category":0,"jetpack_post_was_ever_published":false,"_jetpack_newsletter_access":"","_jetpack_dont_email_post_to_subs":false,"_jetpack_newsletter_tier_id":0,"_jetpack_memberships_contains_paywalled_content":false,"_jetpack_memberships_contains_paid_content":false,"footnotes":"","jetpack_publicize_message":"","jetpack_publicize_feature_enabled":true,"jetpack_social_post_already_shared":true,"jetpack_social_options":{"image_generator_settings":{"template":"highway","enabled":false},"version":2}},"categories":[1],"tags":[22,24,25,27,28,29],"class_list":["post-999","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-blog","tag-paul-dangelo","tag-comedy","tag-comedian","tag-blog","tag-funny","tag-humor"],"jetpack_publicize_connections":[],"aioseo_notices":[],"jetpack_featured_media_url":"","jetpack_sharing_enabled":true,"jetpack_shortlink":"https:\/\/wp.me\/p614ww-g7","_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.pdangelo.com\/site\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/999","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.pdangelo.com\/site\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.pdangelo.com\/site\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.pdangelo.com\/site\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/1"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.pdangelo.com\/site\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=999"}],"version-history":[{"count":2,"href":"https:\/\/www.pdangelo.com\/site\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/999\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":1002,"href":"https:\/\/www.pdangelo.com\/site\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/999\/revisions\/1002"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.pdangelo.com\/site\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=999"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.pdangelo.com\/site\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=999"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.pdangelo.com\/site\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=999"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}