{"id":990,"date":"2015-06-22T16:28:57","date_gmt":"2015-06-22T16:28:57","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/www.pdangelo.com\/site\/?p=990"},"modified":"2015-06-22T16:28:57","modified_gmt":"2015-06-22T16:28:57","slug":"7-distracted-driving","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/www.pdangelo.com\/site\/7-distracted-driving\/","title":{"rendered":"#7: Distracted Driving"},"content":{"rendered":"

\"distracted<\/a><\/p>\n

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Distracted Driving<\/p>\n


\nHere is a dangerous combination that concerns me.
\nHousewife + SUV + cell-phone.
\nI\u2019m worried that, one evening, I may leave a comedy show to drive home and I\u2019ll get a flat-tire on the highway.
\nThere I\u2019ll be, changing the flat in the breakdown lane of the freeway, while cars are whizzing dangerously close by me at high speeds\u2026
\nWHOOSH!… WHOOSH!… WHOOSH!
\nWhen along comes a housewife in one of those gigantic Ford Brontosaurus SUV\u2019s, yapping on her cell-phone\u2026
\n\u201cHi Betty, this is Brenda\u2026
\n\u201cOh good, good\u2026 And you?…
\n\u201cMe? I\u2019m OK, thanks\u2026 Huh?… What am I doing?… Oh nothing, I\u2019m just talking with you on my cell phone\u2026 drinking a Dunkin\u2019 Donuts latte and eating a blueberry muffin\u2026 as I\u2019m putting-on lipstick in the rear-view mirror\u2026 while I\u2019m playing with the radio\u2026 and trying to follow the GPS instructions as I\u2019m looking for an exit\u2026 and turning around to yell at my kids in the backseat\u2026 and taking my eyes off the road to lean-over and try to find a piece of gum somewhere in my big, cluttered pocketbook\u2026 at the same time I\u2019m watching a DVD movie playing on my dashboard\u2026
\n\u201cWhat?… Oh ya, and I\u2019m also passing someone on the right and driving down the highway going 75 miles an hour in the slow-lane, too\u2026 Ha ha, I was so busy doing other stuff, I almost forgot all about that!
\n\u201cAnyway, there\u2019s a big sale over at Macy\u2019s this weekend and I was wondering\u2026\u201d
\nTHUMP!
\n\u201cOh my, Betty, what was that noise?… I just heard something and felt a bump!\u201d
\n(pauses for a moment to listen)
\n\u201cOK, I\u2019m back. It was probably nothing\u2026 maybe a stupid squirrel or something\u2026 \u201cAnyway, as I was saying\u2026
\n\u201cOh, wait a second, Betty, I\u2019m getting another call\u2026 I don\u2019t know who this is, so I better get it\u2026 I\u2019m putting you on hold, Betty\u2026 Hold on\u2026
\n\u201cHello, this is Brenda speaking, can I help you?\u201d
\n\u201cYes, you can help me, Brenda. You don\u2019t know me but, if you\u2019d be so kind to put your phone down for a moment and look out your window, you\u2019ll notice that YOU\u2019RE DRAGGING MY ASS DOWN THE FUCKIN\u2019 HIGHWAY!… PAY ATTENTION!!!!\u201d<\/em><\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

      Distracted Driving<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"closed","ping_status":"closed","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"_exactmetrics_skip_tracking":false,"_exactmetrics_sitenote_active":false,"_exactmetrics_sitenote_note":"","_exactmetrics_sitenote_category":0,"jetpack_post_was_ever_published":false,"_jetpack_newsletter_access":"","_jetpack_dont_email_post_to_subs":false,"_jetpack_newsletter_tier_id":0,"_jetpack_memberships_contains_paywalled_content":false,"_jetpack_memberships_contains_paid_content":false,"footnotes":"","jetpack_publicize_message":"","jetpack_publicize_feature_enabled":true,"jetpack_social_post_already_shared":true,"jetpack_social_options":{"image_generator_settings":{"template":"highway","enabled":false},"version":2}},"categories":[1],"tags":[22,24,25,27,28,29,45],"class_list":["post-990","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-blog","tag-paul-dangelo","tag-comedy","tag-comedian","tag-blog","tag-funny","tag-humor","tag-distracted-driving"],"jetpack_publicize_connections":[],"aioseo_notices":[],"jetpack_featured_media_url":"","jetpack_sharing_enabled":true,"jetpack_shortlink":"https:\/\/wp.me\/p614ww-fY","_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.pdangelo.com\/site\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/990","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.pdangelo.com\/site\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.pdangelo.com\/site\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.pdangelo.com\/site\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/1"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.pdangelo.com\/site\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=990"}],"version-history":[{"count":1,"href":"https:\/\/www.pdangelo.com\/site\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/990\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":992,"href":"https:\/\/www.pdangelo.com\/site\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/990\/revisions\/992"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.pdangelo.com\/site\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=990"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.pdangelo.com\/site\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=990"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.pdangelo.com\/site\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=990"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}