{"id":938,"date":"2015-06-01T19:05:12","date_gmt":"2015-06-01T19:05:12","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/www.pdangelo.com\/site\/?p=938"},"modified":"2015-06-01T19:05:12","modified_gmt":"2015-06-01T19:05:12","slug":"4-asking-myself-for-money","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/www.pdangelo.com\/site\/4-asking-myself-for-money\/","title":{"rendered":"#4 Asking Myself for Money"},"content":{"rendered":"

\"Ask<\/a>Asking Myself for Money<\/p>\n


\nEvery single day, of every single week, I get a ton of requests for money from a ton of different organizations \u2026
\nThey want me to help Save the Country\u2026 Save the Whales\u2026 Save the Children\u2026 Save the Rainforests\u2026 Save the Polar Bears\u2026 Save the Oceans\u2026 Save the Homeless\u2026 Save the Manatees\u2026 the pleas are endless.
\nI wish I was rich so I could contribute to every one of these worthy causes, but I\u2019m not and times are tough, so I have a brand new charity that I contribute to now.
\nIt\u2019s called \u2018Save Some Money.\u2019
\nUp until now, it seems like it\u2019s the only thing I\u2019m not saving.
\nBut how can I possibly reconcile making that selfish choice and not be racked with tremendous guilt about my decision?
\nI have it all figured out.
\nThis is what I do\u2026
\nI use my cell phone to call my home phone with the objective of asking myself for money.
\nSometimes I\u2019m not at home when I make the call\u2026 and, even when I am home, I won\u2019t pick-up the phone because I know it\u2019s just me on the other line asking for cash.
\nIn either case I let the answering-machine pick-up and I\u2019ll leave a heart-rending message for myself, begging for a hand-out.
\nThis is a waste of time because I have no intention of returning my own calls… after all, I just can\u2019t give money to everybody<\/em> who wants it!\u2026 but I keep leaving messages anyway.
\nIf I\u2019m persistent, I\u2019ll eventually get myself on the phone because I have both 3-way calling and<\/em> call waiting and I\u2019ll often get so confused, between putting myself on hold and managing the phone lines, that I\u2019ll somehow cut into my own conversation and end up talking to myself on the other line.
\n\u201cHey Paul\u2026 Whew! It took a while, but finally got through to you\u2026 It\u2019s me.\u201d
\nAnd I\u2019ll say to myself, \u201cWhat do you mean \u2018It\u2019s me\u2019?… Of course<\/em> I know it\u2019s you! I recognize my own voice!\u201d
\nThen I\u2019ll implore\u2026 \u201cPaul, I really could use a little cash. Do you think you might be able to make a donation to my cause?\u201d
\nAnd I\u2019ll offer some sorry excuse like, \u201cI\u2019d like to help you out, but money\u2019s real tight right now\u201d\u2026 or\u2026 \u201cI\u2019m sorry, you got me at a bad time\u201d\u2026 which I know<\/em> is bullshit because, as you know, you can\u2019t lie to yourself.
\nBut I\u2019ll stay determined, refuse to take no for an answer, and will try to make myself feel guilty.
\n\u201cCome on, you cheap bastard! Do it for me\u2026 Anything you can give would be greatly appreciated. Besides, you waste too much of your hard earned money on useless crap, like rent and groceries and health insurance! You need to do something nice for yourself every once in a while.\u201d
\nAnd I\u2019ll reflect on that thought and admit, \u201cHmmmmm\u2026 That is<\/em><\/span> true.\u201d
\nFinally, I become such an annoying pain-in-my-own-ass that I will reluctantly give-in, write myself a check, and mail it back to myself.
\nI have to admit, just writing out that check makes me feel good inside\u2026 knowing that I\u2019m making a small sacrifice and giving back.
\nI realize that it\u2019s me giving back to myself, but that\u2019s not what\u2019s important\u2026 it\u2019s the fact that I sucked it up, did the right thing, and cleared my conscience of all guilt.
\nA couple days later I\u2019ll go out to the mailbox, only to find the envelope that I addressed to myself.
\n\u201cHey, what\u2019s this?… Wow, it\u2019s a check!… and there\u2019s a note with it\u2026
\n\u201cHere, Paul, buy yourself a little something on me. From Paul.\u201d<\/em>
\n\u201cAwwww! That\u2019s awesome! What a great guy I am! I am so charitable and generous!\u201d
\nNow BOTH<\/span> of my-selves feel good.
\nMy charity is truly a non-profit organization because I break-even, so I\u2019m pretty sure my contributions are not tax-deductible\u2026 but I\u2019m having my accountant look into it.
\nAfter all, you know what they say… \u201cThe Lord helps those who help themselves.\u201d
\nAmen, brother.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

Asking Myself for Money<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"closed","ping_status":"closed","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"_exactmetrics_skip_tracking":false,"_exactmetrics_sitenote_active":false,"_exactmetrics_sitenote_note":"","_exactmetrics_sitenote_category":0,"jetpack_post_was_ever_published":false,"_jetpack_newsletter_access":"","_jetpack_dont_email_post_to_subs":false,"_jetpack_newsletter_tier_id":0,"_jetpack_memberships_contains_paywalled_content":false,"_jetpack_memberships_contains_paid_content":false,"footnotes":"","jetpack_publicize_message":"","jetpack_publicize_feature_enabled":true,"jetpack_social_post_already_shared":true,"jetpack_social_options":{"image_generator_settings":{"template":"highway","enabled":false},"version":2}},"categories":[1],"tags":[22,23,24,25,26,27,28,29],"class_list":["post-938","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-blog","tag-paul-dangelo","tag-dangelo","tag-comedy","tag-comedian","tag-money","tag-blog","tag-funny","tag-humor"],"jetpack_publicize_connections":[],"aioseo_notices":[],"jetpack_featured_media_url":"","jetpack_sharing_enabled":true,"jetpack_shortlink":"https:\/\/wp.me\/p614ww-f8","_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.pdangelo.com\/site\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/938","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.pdangelo.com\/site\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.pdangelo.com\/site\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.pdangelo.com\/site\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/1"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.pdangelo.com\/site\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=938"}],"version-history":[{"count":3,"href":"https:\/\/www.pdangelo.com\/site\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/938\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":942,"href":"https:\/\/www.pdangelo.com\/site\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/938\/revisions\/942"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.pdangelo.com\/site\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=938"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.pdangelo.com\/site\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=938"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.pdangelo.com\/site\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=938"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}