{"id":1795,"date":"2016-12-15T20:17:22","date_gmt":"2016-12-15T20:17:22","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/www.pdangelo.com\/site\/?p=1795"},"modified":"2016-12-15T20:17:22","modified_gmt":"2016-12-15T20:17:22","slug":"37-fantastic-beasts","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/www.pdangelo.com\/site\/37-fantastic-beasts\/","title":{"rendered":"#37: Fantastic Beasts"},"content":{"rendered":"

\"fantastic-beasts3\"<\/a>
\nI think my eyes are going and I might eventually need glasses.
\nEverything is a little blurry lately.
\nI just made a very embarrassing mistake because of my bad eyesight.<\/p>\n


\nThe other day I was driving by the marquee of a local movie theatre, took a quick glance, then did a double-take as I passed it and exclaimed, \u201cWow! I gotta go and see that!\u201d<\/em>
\nSo I found a parking space, sprinted into the box office, and walked quickly up to the ticket counter.
\n\u201cCan I help you?\u201d
\nI said, \u201cYes, please.\u201d
\nI looked at the board behind him, squinting my eyes and trying to focus on the blurry list of movies and, not wanting to repeat the name aloud in front of the children standing in line, pointed at the display and said, \u201cCan I have one ticket to that movie, right there?\u201d
\nThe kid turned to see where I was pointing and said, \u201cYes, sir, there you go.\u201d
\nI took my ticket and asked anxiously, \u201cDid the movie start yet? I don\u2019t want to miss any of it.\u201d
\nHe said, \u201cThe movie just started a couple minutes ago. You didn\u2019t miss much. Enjoy the show.\u201d
\nI said, \u201cGreat,\u201d hurried over to the concession counter, bought some popcorn and candy, then ran for the theater with a bounce in my step, almost skipping like a child with delight and anticipation as I thought to myself, \u201cWow, I can\u2019t wait to see this! This movie is gonna be great. I am sooo psyched!\u201d<\/em>
\nI walked into the dark theatre and found a seat.
\nI started watching the movie, sitting on the edge of my seat with excitement\u2026 but, after a few minutes, a profound look of disappointment and bewilderment fell over my face.
\n\u201cWhat the hell is this shit on the screen?\u201d I wondered.
\nIt was some kind of Harry Potter-type production with magic and wizards and all these weird, mythical creatures.
\nI angrily muttered under my breath, \u201cWhat the fuck is going on here?\u201d<\/em>
\nI finally nudged the guy sitting next to me and whispered, \u201cExcuse me, sir, I\u2019m just a little confused. What\u2019s this movie we\u2019re watching?\u201d
\nHe leaned over towards me, covered his mouth with his hand, and whispered quietly into my ear, \u201cIt\u2019s called \u2018Fantastic Beasts\u2019\u2026 it\u2019s written by the same woman who wrote all the Harry Potter books.\u201d
\nThe wind abruptly left my sails.
\nI said, \u201cAre you serious? It\u2019s called \u2018Fantastic Beasts<\/em><\/span>?<\/em>\u2019\u201d<\/em>
\n\u201cYa,\u201d he repeated, \u2018Fantastic Beasts.\u2019 \u201c
\nI slumped down in my chair\u2026 \u201cOh man, you gotta be shitting me! I am such a fucking idiot\u2026 I really need to get my eyes examined.\u201d
\nThe man whispered back curiously, \u201cWhy? What\u2019s the problem?\u201d
\nI said, \u201cHonest to God, when I was driving by the theatre, I could have sworn the movie marquee said, \u2018Fantastic Breasts<\/span>.\u2019\u201d<\/em>
\nHe chuckled to himself and said, \u201cHa ha\u2026 \u2018Fantastic Breasts!\u2019<\/em> Ha ha! No wonder you\u2019re bummed out, I\u2019d rather be watching that movie too!\u201d
\nI stayed and watched the movie, but there wasn\u2019t a nipple to be seen.
\nI\u2019m scheduling an appointment with an optometrist next week.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

I think my eyes are going and I might eventually need glasses. Everything is a little blurry lately. I just made a very embarrassing mistake because of my bad eyesight.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"closed","ping_status":"closed","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"_exactmetrics_skip_tracking":false,"_exactmetrics_sitenote_active":false,"_exactmetrics_sitenote_note":"","_exactmetrics_sitenote_category":0,"jetpack_post_was_ever_published":false,"_jetpack_newsletter_access":"","_jetpack_dont_email_post_to_subs":false,"_jetpack_newsletter_tier_id":0,"_jetpack_memberships_contains_paywalled_content":false,"_jetpack_memberships_contains_paid_content":false,"footnotes":"","jetpack_publicize_message":"","jetpack_publicize_feature_enabled":true,"jetpack_social_post_already_shared":true,"jetpack_social_options":{"image_generator_settings":{"template":"highway","enabled":false},"version":2}},"categories":[1],"tags":[22,23,24,25,27,29,32,69],"class_list":["post-1795","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-blog","tag-paul-dangelo","tag-dangelo","tag-comedy","tag-comedian","tag-blog","tag-humor","tag-comic","tag-paul-dangelo-paul-dangelo-comedy"],"jetpack_publicize_connections":[],"aioseo_notices":[],"jetpack_featured_media_url":"","jetpack_sharing_enabled":true,"jetpack_shortlink":"https:\/\/wp.me\/p614ww-sX","_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.pdangelo.com\/site\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/1795","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.pdangelo.com\/site\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.pdangelo.com\/site\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.pdangelo.com\/site\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/1"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.pdangelo.com\/site\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=1795"}],"version-history":[{"count":2,"href":"https:\/\/www.pdangelo.com\/site\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/1795\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":1799,"href":"https:\/\/www.pdangelo.com\/site\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/1795\/revisions\/1799"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.pdangelo.com\/site\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=1795"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.pdangelo.com\/site\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=1795"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.pdangelo.com\/site\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=1795"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}