{"id":1658,"date":"2016-09-22T14:54:25","date_gmt":"2016-09-22T14:54:25","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/www.pdangelo.com\/site\/?p=1658"},"modified":"2016-09-22T14:54:25","modified_gmt":"2016-09-22T14:54:25","slug":"36-doody-calls","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/www.pdangelo.com\/site\/36-doody-calls\/","title":{"rendered":"#36: Doody Calls"},"content":{"rendered":"

\"zzsquareduffy10\"<\/a>
\nI grew up in a different era.
\nWhen I was a kid, dogs walked around freely in the neighborhood and nobody ever picked up after their dog, yet somehow we survived and everyone seemed to be a little happier and less stressed than we all are today.
\nNow there are strict leash laws and the neighborhood Poop Police patrols the streets, watching to make sure that people pick up after their dogs.<\/p>\n


\nI walk my girlfriend\u2019s dog on a regular basis and I love that dog like you can\u2019t imagine\u2026 but I can\u2019t tell you how much I hate swallowing my pride and suffering the indignity of stooping down to pick up his squishy dog shit in a plastic baggie, then carrying it around with me everywhere I go\u2026 like I\u2019m bringing warm leftovers home from a restaurant.
\nDon\u2019t fool yourself\u2026 no one likes<\/em> to do it\u2026 no one wants<\/em> to do it, but we are all shamed into doing it\u2026 and what a humiliating experience it is.
\nI never had kids of my own and not even once in my lifetime have I ever had to change a dirty diaper\u2026 for either an infant or the elderly. I\u2019m perfectly good with that on my resume and I\u2019d like to keep my record intact, thank you.
\nIt\u2019s not an accomplishment that I\u2019m looking to check-off on my Bucket List\u2026 if you know what I mean.
\nHell, let\u2019s be honest, I don\u2019t even like to wipe my own ass!
\nBut now I am supposed to pick up after a pet?
\nIf you haven\u2019t enjoyed this delightful experience, just imagine standing up in the middle of Thanksgiving dinner, shoving your hand into the bowl of hot mashed potatoes, and stuffing a fistful of \u2018em into a Ziploc sandwich bag.
\n\u201cExcuse my reach, mom\u2026\u201d<\/em>
\nAnd just to illustrate the absurdity of the rules in the first place, I was recently down on the commons, next to the lake in my hometown, and I saw a police officer issuing a citation to a man who hadn\u2019t picked up after his pint-sized pug.
\nMeanwhile, less than fifty feet away from the scene of the crime, at least sixty or seventy geese were defecating all over the lawn like a flock of Golden Retrievers!<\/em>
\nI wanted to offer my services as a lawyer and represent him in an appeal to the court.
\nI\u2019d make them put the offending poop into a line-up and ask the officer positively identify the offending poop during cross-examination.
\n\u201cOfficer, can you confidently distinguish my client\u2019s dog\u2019s droppings from this array of randomly selected stool samples from various dogs and geese?\u201d
\n\u201cAhhh, no. Of course not\u2026 Shit\u2019s shit\u2026 They all look the same\u201d
\n\u201cNo further questions, your honor.\u201d
\n\u201cCase dismissed. Call the next matter.\u201d<\/em>
\nAs it is, I sometimes I wonder who\u2019s really the boss in my relationship with the dog.
\nI\u2019ll take him out to a park, toss a tennis ball across the field and yell, \u201cFetch it boy! Fetch the ball! Pick it up! Go get it! Be a good boy and fetch the ball and bring back it to me!\u201d
\nSometimes he\u2019ll do it\u2026 but other times he\u2019ll make absolutely no effort to chase the ball and will not budge\u2026 then he\u2019ll lower his hind legs, drop his butt down, and stare up at me, as if to say\u2026
\n\u201cNo, I don\u2019t feel like fetching that ball for you today\u2026 but you know what?… grunt<\/em>\u2026 Here\u2019s a little steamy something I\u2019m gonna leave for you to fetch\u2026 grunt<\/em>\u2026 OK, pick it up. Go get it! Fetch my poop\u2026 There you go. Good boy! You\u2019re such a good boy, Paul\u2026. Who\u2019s a good boy?…<\/em> Now bring it back home.\u201d
\nAt least our dog is little and only does small ones\u2026 like baby Tootsie Rolls.
\nSometimes it\u2019s just one Tootsie Roll, and then he\u2019ll squeeze out another tiny little \u2018Hershey\u2019s Kiss\u2019 at the end, like a period punctuating the end of an exclamation mark.
\nKinda cute and innocuous\u2026 and hardly a major threat to the neighborhood.
\nBut I see people walking these big German Shepherds and giant Great Danes and humongous Saint Bernards and the first thing I will say to myself is, \u201cOh my God! Their shit has to be enormous!!\u201d<\/em>
\nI\u2019d need to be driving a Bobcat front-end loader and wearing a biohazard suit to pick that nasty load up\u2026 along with a Hefty Double-Strength Leaf and Lawn Bag to put it in.
\nThen I could throw that big sack full of goodies over my shoulder and lug it around like I\u2019m Santa Claus delivering gifts to really<\/em> bad kids\u2026 when a lump of coal just won\u2019t do the trick.<\/em><\/p>\n

\"duffy-img_4021-square\"<\/a>
\nThere have been times when I have left the house without bringing the plastic baggie with me, as absent minded dog owners will do from time to time\u2026 and what dog owner, at one time or another, hasn\u2019t bent over and channeled their inner Meryl Streep or Robert Downey Jr., pretending<\/em> to pick-up after their dog?
\nIf you are saying, \u201cOh no, not me, Paul,\u201d then you lie like Hillary.
\nBut it\u2019s even more of challenge to simply just try to get away with it.
\nAnd why not? After all, it\u2019s just a matter of perspective.
\nOne man\u2019s ruined sneaker is another man\u2019s compost.
\nIf you don\u2019t believe me, go to any Home Depot or garden center in the country\u2026 They put the stuff in big bags and make money selling it to people.
\nI have it down to a science.
\nSometimes I\u2019ll wait until it\u2019s dark outside, preferably on moonless nights, so no one can identify me or see what the dog is doing\u2026 plus, I dress the little white dog in a little black ninja suit, with a little black hood that covers his head, and I\u2019ve obliterated the serial number on his dog collar.
\nOther times I\u2019ll walk him in the woods where there aren\u2019t any people around.
\nAnd also, the last time I checked, all of the deer and coyotes and raccoons and squirrels and chipmunks and skunks and possum and bears and foxes and wild beavers who live in the forest aren\u2019t picking up after themselves\u2026 so I\u2019m not either.<\/em>\"zsquareduffy3\"<\/a>
\nI\u2019ll even tuck a plastic bag in my belt so it looks like I intend<\/em> to pick it up, even though I have absolutely no intention of doing so\u2026 always in a bright color to draw the attention of the Pick-Up-The-Poop-Patrol, like a shiny fishing lure would attract a mackerel.
\nIn fact, I\u2019ve often carried around the same plastic bag for about a month without using it, riding on my hip like a handgun packed into a holster\u2026 figuring that, much like a firearm, it was better to have it and not need it, then to need it and not have it.
\nIf we happen to be walking down a busy street and the dog starts to \u2018go\u2019 while another person is walking towards us on the sidewalk, or cars happen to be driving by, I will give his collar a little tug and interrupt him before he puts me on the spot.
\n\u201cSorry, Duffy. Not now\u2026 Squeeze it. Squuuuueeze it shut, boy… We can\u2019t have any witnesses. You just have to hold it until they pass\u2026 That a boy. Good boy\u2026 I\u2019m sorry. I\u2019m realllly sorry, my little friend\u2026 wait\u2026 wait\u2026just s sec\u2026<\/em>
\n \u201cOK, she\u2019s gone\u2026 Do your business.\u201d<\/em>
\nStill, it\u2019s tough to get away with it\u2026 so this is what I do now.
\nBefore I take the dog for a walk, I\u2019ll drive down to the neighborhood Dunkin\u2019 Donuts and get myself a cup of coffee and a chocolate cruller.
\nI put the chocolate cruller into a plastic baggy\u2026 then I proudly and prominently carry it with me when I am walking the dog.
\nTo passers-by, it looks just like I\u2019m carrying a bag full of puppy poop.
\nEveryone in the neighborhood thinks I\u2019m a hero.
\nAnd, when I get home from the walk, I have myself a tasty little snack.
\nProblem solved.
\nHallelujah.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

I grew up in a different era. When I was a kid, dogs walked around freely in the neighborhood and nobody ever picked up after their dog, yet somehow we … Continue reading #36: Doody Calls<\/span><\/a><\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"closed","ping_status":"closed","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"_exactmetrics_skip_tracking":false,"_exactmetrics_sitenote_active":false,"_exactmetrics_sitenote_note":"","_exactmetrics_sitenote_category":0,"jetpack_post_was_ever_published":false,"_jetpack_newsletter_access":"","_jetpack_dont_email_post_to_subs":false,"_jetpack_newsletter_tier_id":0,"_jetpack_memberships_contains_paywalled_content":false,"_jetpack_memberships_contains_paid_content":false,"footnotes":"","jetpack_publicize_message":"","jetpack_publicize_feature_enabled":true,"jetpack_social_post_already_shared":true,"jetpack_social_options":{"image_generator_settings":{"template":"highway","enabled":false},"version":2}},"categories":[1],"tags":[22,23,24,25,28,32,69,331,335,336,337,338,339],"class_list":["post-1658","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-blog","tag-paul-dangelo","tag-dangelo","tag-comedy","tag-comedian","tag-funny","tag-comic","tag-paul-dangelo-paul-dangelo-comedy","tag-animals","tag-dogs","tag-pets","tag-dog-lovers","tag-puppy","tag-laughs"],"jetpack_publicize_connections":[],"aioseo_notices":[],"jetpack_featured_media_url":"","jetpack_sharing_enabled":true,"jetpack_shortlink":"https:\/\/wp.me\/p614ww-qK","_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.pdangelo.com\/site\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/1658","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.pdangelo.com\/site\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.pdangelo.com\/site\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.pdangelo.com\/site\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/1"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.pdangelo.com\/site\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=1658"}],"version-history":[{"count":1,"href":"https:\/\/www.pdangelo.com\/site\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/1658\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":1663,"href":"https:\/\/www.pdangelo.com\/site\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/1658\/revisions\/1663"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.pdangelo.com\/site\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=1658"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.pdangelo.com\/site\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=1658"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.pdangelo.com\/site\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=1658"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}