{"id":1351,"date":"2016-03-07T15:22:28","date_gmt":"2016-03-07T15:22:28","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/www.pdangelo.com\/site\/?p=1351"},"modified":"2016-03-07T15:22:28","modified_gmt":"2016-03-07T15:22:28","slug":"25-mental-dental","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/www.pdangelo.com\/site\/25-mental-dental\/","title":{"rendered":"#25: Mental Dental"},"content":{"rendered":"

\"dentist<\/a>
\nI lost a filling and had to go to the dentist\u2026 which is not something I enjoy doing.
\nThe hygienist seemed to be very nice.
\nI fidgeted nervously in the dentist chair, anxiously scanning the room for anything that could possibly be used to inflict pain upon me, and admitted to her, \u201cI\u2019m pretty nervous.\u201d
\nShe said, \u201cI understand, Mr. D\u2019Angelo, but you need to relax\u2026 I see you\u2019ve wet your pants. Maybe this will help\u2026\u201d
\nShe reached down and applied the oral suction pump to my crotch area.
\nShhhhhhhhlurrrrrrrpppppp\u2026 Shhhhhhhhlurrrrrrrpppppp\u2026<\/em>
\nI said, \u201cI hope you\u2019re gonna sterilize that before you stick it in my mouth!\u201d
\nShe ignored my comment and informed me, \u201cI am going to clean your teeth before the dentist repairs your filling\u2026 and there\u2019s nothing to worry about, Mr. D\u2019Angelo, I promise I\u2019ll be gentle with you.\u201d
\n\u201cReally?\u201d
\n\u201cPromise.\u201d
\nShe reclined my seat all the way, lowering me into a lying position.
\nWhen I looked up I saw this seemingly sweet woman come at me with a hooked instrument that, in my frightened eyes, appeared a lot more like she just had a big hook sticking out of her empty sleeve, like a one-armed pirate. She took a swig of rum from a jug, adjusted her eye patch, and started digging for buried treasure between my teeth.
\nShe tugged and yanked at my teeth like she was trying to gaff a tuna, then stopped and said, \u201cMr. D\u2019Angelo, your gums are bleeding. That means you haven\u2019t been flossing.\u201d
\nI said, \u201cReally, Captain Hook? And you don\u2019t suppose it has anything to do with that sharp metal instrument that you\u2019ve been stabbing them with for the last twenty minutes, do you?\u201d
\nThe hygienist laughed.
\nI said, \u201cIt\u2019s not funny! I\u2019d like to remind you that this is not an autopsy you\u2019re performing\u2026 I\u2019m still alive!\u201d<\/em>
\nShe said, \u201cI\u2019m sorry if it hurts, but you have plaque.\u201d
\nI said, \u201cPlaque? I have plaque? I\u2019ll tell you what, forget about the damn plaque and I\u2019ll give you a friggin\u2019 trophy if you\u2019ll stop hurting me!\u201d
\nThe hygienist worked on me for a couple more minutes, then got-up and said, \u201cI\u2019ll be right back, Mr. D\u2019Angelo\u2026 You can get up and rinse.\u201d
\nI said, \u201cNo, I cannot<\/em> get up and rinse\u2026Not when you have my chair reclined in the space shuttle launch position.\u201d
\nShe said, \u201cDo your best.\u201d
\nI said, \u201cAre you kidding? I can\u2019t do three sit-ups with the help of a Craftmatic Adjustable Bed!\u201d
\nShe left the room and I was stuck in the prone position with a mouth-full of blood and crud when I looked up and thought to myself, \u201cHey, maybe that\u2019s why they put those two handles on the sides of that bright light.\u201d
\nThe hygienist came back in the room, saw me trying to yank myself upright, and yelled \u201cHey, don\u2019t break that light, that\u2019s an expensive piece of equipment!\u201d
\nI argued, \u201cAt a hundred and fifty bucks a cleaning you can afford another one,\u201d but then let go of the overhead light.
\nShe seemed annoyed and said, \u201cLook, if you\u2019re unable to sit up, we\u2019ll have to use this,\u201d and she proceeded to stick a Sears Shop-Vac in my mouth that immediately attached itself to the soft flesh under my tongue and started performing liposuction on the inside of my lip.
\nShhhhhhhhlurrrrrrrpppppp\u2026 Shhhhhhhhlurrrrrrrpppppp\u2026<\/em>
\nI complained, \u201cHey! This thing is sucking all the moisture out of my body! Who cares if I have nice teeth if my head looks like a sun-dried tomato when you\u2019re done with me?\u201d
\nShe ignored me and said, \u201cOK, now we\u2019re going to need to take some x-rays.\u201d
\nI said, \u201cOh, I\u2019m not too sure about having x-rays.\u201d
\nShe said, \u201cYou have nothing to worry about, Mr. D\u2019Angelo\u2026 the x-rays are perfectly safe.\u201d
\nAnd, just to prove to me how totally harmless the x-rays were, she proceeded to drag a 700 lb. lead vest into the room and lifted it onto my chest with the help of a crane operator\u2026 \u201cDrop it here, Tony!\u201d
\nThen, in a continuing effort to reassure me how incredibly harmless the x-rays were, just before she took the pictures she dove behind a cinderblock wall lined with sand-bags\u2026
\nBZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ<\/em>
\n\u2026 and came back in dressed in a HazMat suit like she was a member of the Chernobyl clean-up team.
\nI said, \u201cYou covered my chest with a lead vest, then took an x-ray of my head. That\u2019s like wearing a bullet-proof vest and getting shot in the face. What\u2019s the point?\u201d
\nThis is when the dentist walked in holding a huge hypodermic needle that looked more like a javelin.
\nI said, \u201cExcuse me, Ahab, what are you planning to do with that harpoon you have in your hand?\u201d
\nHe said, \u201cThis? I\u2019m going to plunge this long, sharp sliver of pointed metal deep into your sensitive gums so that you won\u2019t feel any discomfort.\u201d
\nI said, \u201cOh. That makes a lot of sense.\u201d
\nI reconsidered and said, \u201cForget the Novocain, doc, I want the gas instead.\u201d
\nBasically, the way the gas works is that you still feel the pain, you just don\u2019t give a shit anymore.
\nHe administered the gas and I was lying there, incapacitated and limp, like a drunken jellyfish, while the dentist rifled through my wallet and the hygienist browsed through the photos on my cell phone\u2026 and I was helpless to do anything about it.
\nThen I watched the dentist start to put on a pair of rubber gloves and got even more nervous.
\nI said, \u201cExcuse me doc, but what are the rubber gloves for?\u201d
\nHe said, \u201cI\u2019m going to work on your tooth.\u201d
\nI said, \u201cYou do plan on approaching my tooth through the mouth, right?\u201d
\n\u201cHuh?\u201d
\nI said, \u201cI just want to make sure that you\u2019re not putting on the gloves so you can try and sneak-up on the tooth from another angle\u2026 you know\u2026 the long way.\u201d
\nHe said, \u201cOf course not.\u201d
\nI said, \u201cI\u2019m sorry, but the last time my doctor put on a rubber glove I had a very unpleasant experience.\u201d
\nNext the dentist looked into my mouth and said, \u201cOK Mr. D\u2019Angelo, please open wide.\u201d
\nI opened my mouth for him.
\nHe said, \u201cGood, now a little wider, please.\u201d
\nI opened my mouth some more.
\nThe dentist said, \u201cOK, how about a little wider?\u201d
\nI opened my mouth as far as I possibly could.
\nHe said, \u201cCan you open-up just a little wider for me?\u201d
\nI snapped, \u201cAre you a dentist or a lion tamer?… Is it necessary for you to stick your entire head into my mouth?\u201d
\nThe dentist said, \u201cI need you to open a bit wider.\u201d
\nI said, \u201cIf I open my mouth any wider I\u2019m going to swallow my own head. Will it make it easier for you to work on my mouth if I\u2019m able to turn my head inside out?… Is that what you\u2019re trying to achieve?\u201d
\nHe drilled for a while, then stopped and pointed something into my mouth that shot a blast of air into the new hole he drilled in my tooth.
\nI almost hit the ceiling.
\n\u201cOWWWWWW!!!<\/em> What the hell was that?\u201d
\n\u201cRelax, Mr. D\u2019Angelo. That was just a little air to clean out the inside of your tooth.\u201d
\nI said, \u201cNo!… This<\/em> <\/span>is just air!\u201d gesturing to the empty contents of the room. \u2018Just\u2019 air is not supposed to hurt\u2026 but if that air is going 2000 miles per hour and it\u2019s directed at a raw nerve, that\u2019s a totally different story, Dr. Mengele!\u201d
\nShortly thereafter the dentist had his fingers, several instruments, the suction device, a couple wads of cotton, and a bunch of clamps, all inside my mouth at the same time.
\nMy mouth had more junk in it than New Jersey landfill and I was afraid the dentist was going to randomly take something off his desk and say, \u201cHmmmm\u2026 let\u2019s see if this<\/em> will fit in his mouth.\u201d
\nIt was at this point that the dentist decided to have a conversation with me.
\n\u201cSo, Mr. D\u2019Angelo, you lost a filling\u2026. What were you eating?\u201d
\nIn a muffled voice I barely managed to answer, \u201cWhy don\u2019 yo\u2019 stick yo\u2019 fing\u2019rs a lil\u2019 f\u2019rther down my throat and find\u2019out for y\u2019rself?\u201d
\nWhile the dentist was working directly over my face I basically had two options available to me.
\nI could close my eyes or keep them open.
\nI don\u2019t know about you, but I have trouble keeping my eyes closed when there is a strange man hovering above me\u2026 and that guy just got me high, has me on my back, and has repeatedly asked me to keep my mouth open for him.
\nNo thank you.
\nSo I decided to keep my eyes open\u2026 which meant that I was staring directly into the dentist\u2019s hairy nostrils\u2026 and he must have had a cold because he had a runny nose and it was really grossing me out.
\nI finally couldn\u2019t stand it anymore.
\nI took the suction device out of my mouth and stuck it right up his nose\u2026
\n\u201cHere buddy\u2026 you need this more than I do.\u201d<\/em>
\n Shhhhhhhhlurrrrrrrpppppp\u2026 Shhhhhhhhlurrrrrrrpppppp\u2026<\/em><\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"closed","ping_status":"closed","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"_exactmetrics_skip_tracking":false,"_exactmetrics_sitenote_active":false,"_exactmetrics_sitenote_note":"","_exactmetrics_sitenote_category":0,"jetpack_post_was_ever_published":false,"_jetpack_newsletter_access":"","_jetpack_dont_email_post_to_subs":false,"_jetpack_newsletter_tier_id":0,"_jetpack_memberships_contains_paywalled_content":false,"_jetpack_memberships_contains_paid_content":false,"footnotes":""},"categories":[1],"tags":[22,23,24,25,32,69,198,199,200,201,202],"class_list":["post-1351","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-blog","tag-paul-dangelo","tag-dangelo","tag-comedy","tag-comedian","tag-comic","tag-paul-dangelo-paul-dangelo-comedy","tag-dentist","tag-hygienist","tag-dental","tag-tooth","tag-teeth"],"aioseo_notices":[],"jetpack_featured_media_url":"","jetpack_sharing_enabled":true,"jetpack_shortlink":"https:\/\/wp.me\/p614ww-lN","_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.pdangelo.com\/site\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/1351","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.pdangelo.com\/site\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.pdangelo.com\/site\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.pdangelo.com\/site\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/1"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.pdangelo.com\/site\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=1351"}],"version-history":[{"count":2,"href":"https:\/\/www.pdangelo.com\/site\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/1351\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":1354,"href":"https:\/\/www.pdangelo.com\/site\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/1351\/revisions\/1354"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.pdangelo.com\/site\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=1351"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.pdangelo.com\/site\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=1351"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.pdangelo.com\/site\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=1351"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}