{"id":1019,"date":"2015-07-27T13:48:50","date_gmt":"2015-07-27T13:48:50","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/www.pdangelo.com\/site\/?p=1019"},"modified":"2015-07-27T13:48:50","modified_gmt":"2015-07-27T13:48:50","slug":"11-girls-and-golf","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/www.pdangelo.com\/site\/11-girls-and-golf\/","title":{"rendered":"#11: Girls and Golf"},"content":{"rendered":"

\"Pink<\/a><\/p>\n

Girls and Golf<\/p>\n


\nI like to go golfing, but I don\u2019t get to do it nearly enough.
\nOne of the reasons that guys like to golf so much is that they get to hang out with their friends all day and, let\u2019s be honest, there\u2019s no wife or girlfriend out there to criticize or judge you.
\nWhen it\u2019s just the guys you can say whatever you want\u2026 and nobody cares.
\nYou can burp out loud\u2026 and you can pee in the woods\u2026 Nobody cares
\nYou can tell dirty jokes, smoke a cigar, and flirt with the young girl in the beverage cart\u2026 and it doesn\u2019t matter, because your friends don\u2019t give a shit.
\nIt\u2019s all good!
\nThat is, until one day, as I was leaving to play golf with some of my buddies, when my girlfriend said to me\u2026
\n\u201cPaul, you\u2019re always busy and we really don\u2019t get to spend enough time together. I was thinking that, maybe I should take up golf so I can go golfing with you and your friends. Wouldn\u2019t that be fun? What do you think?\u201d
\nUpon hearing this frightening proposal, I panicked and immediately thought to myself\u2026
\n\u201cHoly shit! I have to talk her out of that stupid idea right now!\u201d
\nI said, \u201cFun?… Do you think I have fun<\/em> playing golf with my friends?\u201d
\n\u201cWell\u2026 ya. Don\u2019t you guys have fun?\u201d
\n\u201cHa! Apparently you don\u2019t know anything about the game of golf,\u201d I said.
\n\u201cYou know that I don\u2019t know a thing about golf, Paul, but you can teach me!\u201d
\nI said, \u201cI have news for you\u2026 Golf is not fun… In fact, golf can be very dangerous and I would never want to see you risk getting hurt.\u201d
\n\u201cI could get hurt?\u201d
\n\u201cOh ya! There\u2019s a lot of scary stuff going on out there\u2026 violent things like, like hooking\u2026 and\u2026 and\u2026 and, um, slicing\u2026 ya, slicing\u2026 a-and traps and hazards.\u201d
\n\u201cThere are traps and hazards?\u201d
\nI said, \u201cAll kinds of hazards.\u201d
\n\u201cThat sounds intense.\u201d
\n\u201cIt is\u2026 And they even have these horrid things called \u2018Dog-Legs\u2019 on the course.\u201d
\nShe was horrified. \u201cDog-Legs? Really? That sounds gross!\u201d
\n\u201cTrust me, they are,\u201d I said. \u201cYou care about your appearance. Why would a pretty girl like you take a chance of getting \u2018Dog-Legs\u2019?\u201d
\nShe made a face. \u201cUgh! That\u2019s disgusting!… I don\u2019t want dog\u2019s legs..\u201d
\n\u201cWell did you know this? I\u2019ve actually seen a golfer choke<\/em> on an 18-inch putt.\u201d
\n\u201cHe choked on it, Paul?\u201d
\n\u201cHe sure did\u2026 In front of all of his friends!… It was horrifying, and there\u2019s was nothing any of us could do about it.\u201d
\n\u201cOh my, that is horrible!\u201d<\/em>
\n\u201cYou\u2019re telling me,\u201d I said. \u201cRight after he choked, the poor guy was all doubled-over and convulsing like he was having spasms\u2026 and it was like he was talking in tongues.\u201d
\nShe was shocked. \u201cWow!\u201d
\nI said, \u201cYa, I couldn\u2019t believe the horrible things that came out of his mouth. It was painful to watch\u2026 and I would never, ever want you to gag on something\u2026 See? I\u2019m just trying to protect you.\u201d
\n\u201cThank you, Paul.\u201d
\n\u201cYou\u2019re welcome,\u201d I said, \u201c\u2026but it\u2019s not only thing that can happen when you\u2019re golfing. It gets worse\u2026 Every now and then a golfer will take a stroke\u2026 Right there out on the course!\u201d
\n\u201cThey\u2019ll actually take a stroke?… Seriously, Paul?\u201d
\n\u201cOh ya, it happens all the time\u2026 even to the healthiest of golfers. \u201c
\nShe seemed surprised. \u201cIt does?\u201d
\nI said, \u201cIt sure does. Why do you think so many players have a handicap?\u201d
\nShe said, \u201cI always wondered why they used that term.\u201d
\n\u201cExactly\u2026 and besides the obvious health hazards, golf is actually a lot more like \u2018work\u2019 than it is \u2018play\u2019.\u201d
\n\u201cI thought it was a game\u2026 It\u2019s like work, Paul?\u201d
\n\u201cIt sure is. For example, I bet you didn\u2019t know that you have to repair all of your divots, rake all the sand-traps, and wash your own golf-balls.\u201d
\n\u201cYou do?\u201d
\n\u201cOh ya\u2026 Consider this\u2026 Do you really want to spend your day off doing maintenance, more yard-work and another load of wash?\u201d
\nShe shook her head. \u201cNot really.\u201d
\n\u201cI didn\u2019t think so\u2026 And, you have to believe me, nobody\u2019s enjoying themselves out there.\u201d
\nShe registered surprise. \u201cThey\u2019re not enjoying themselves, Paul?\u201d
\n\u201cNot at all\u2026 In fact, I can prove it\u2026 Ask anyone. Every single hole, golfers are teed-off\u2026 The 1st guy is teed off\u2026 then the next guy\u2019s teed off\u2026 then the next guy, and the next guy. And on and on it goes\u2026 eighteen times a day!\u201d
\n\u201cWow. No kidding, Paul?\u201d
\n\u201cNope. It seems everyone takes a turn being teed-off\u2026 That\u2019s why there\u2019s always a lot of swearing and cursing involved.\u201d
\n\u201cThat\u2019s why?\u201d
\n\u201cIt\u2019s only one of the reasons\u2026 And finally, think about this\u2026 When we\u2019re alone together, do I need to remind you how much you dislike it when I have to keep yelling at you to \u2018KEEP YOUR DAMN HEAD DOWN!!\u2019?\u201d<\/em>
\n\u201cYou\u2019re right. I hate it when you do that!… It hurts my neck.\u201d
\n\u201cSee? \u201cI\u2019m just thinking of you, baby.\u201d
\n\u201cYou\u2019re always watching out for me, Paul.\u201d
\n\u201cWhat can I say? I\u2019m just a nice guy\u2026 Now let me go, I\u2019m going to be late!… Bye!!!!\u201d
\n\u201cBye Paul! Be careful!… Don\u2019t get hurt!\u201d
\n\u201cThanks! I\u2019ll try.\u201d
\nAs I turned and walked away with my golf clubs, I hid a sly smile on my face as I chuckled and thought to myself\u2026
\n\u201cI can\u2019t believe she fell for that bullshit!… Boy, I am good!\u201d<\/em>
\nWhile, at the very same time, she was thinking to herself\u2026
\n\u201cNice try, you lyin\u2019 sack-of-shit\u2026 How stupid do you think I am?\u201d<\/em><\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

(note to my blog subscribers: Sorry I missed last Monday’s post, but I buried one of my dearest friends, comedian Bob Seibel, on that day. Bob was one of the most incredible human beings I have ever had the privilege of knowing and it was a honor to be his friend for 30 years.)<\/em><\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

Girls and Golf<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"closed","ping_status":"closed","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"_exactmetrics_skip_tracking":false,"_exactmetrics_sitenote_active":false,"_exactmetrics_sitenote_note":"","_exactmetrics_sitenote_category":0,"jetpack_post_was_ever_published":false,"_jetpack_newsletter_access":"","_jetpack_dont_email_post_to_subs":false,"_jetpack_newsletter_tier_id":0,"_jetpack_memberships_contains_paywalled_content":false,"_jetpack_memberships_contains_paid_content":false,"footnotes":"","jetpack_publicize_message":"","jetpack_publicize_feature_enabled":true,"jetpack_social_post_already_shared":true,"jetpack_social_options":{"image_generator_settings":{"template":"highway","enabled":false},"version":2}},"categories":[1],"tags":[22,24,25,27,32,63],"class_list":["post-1019","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-blog","tag-paul-dangelo","tag-comedy","tag-comedian","tag-blog","tag-comic","tag-golf"],"jetpack_publicize_connections":[],"aioseo_notices":[],"jetpack_featured_media_url":"","jetpack_sharing_enabled":true,"jetpack_shortlink":"https:\/\/wp.me\/p614ww-gr","_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.pdangelo.com\/site\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/1019","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.pdangelo.com\/site\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.pdangelo.com\/site\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.pdangelo.com\/site\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/1"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.pdangelo.com\/site\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=1019"}],"version-history":[{"count":2,"href":"https:\/\/www.pdangelo.com\/site\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/1019\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":1022,"href":"https:\/\/www.pdangelo.com\/site\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/1019\/revisions\/1022"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.pdangelo.com\/site\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=1019"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.pdangelo.com\/site\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=1019"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.pdangelo.com\/site\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=1019"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}