{"id":1016,"date":"2015-07-14T14:25:21","date_gmt":"2015-07-14T14:25:21","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/www.pdangelo.com\/site\/?p=1016"},"modified":"2015-07-14T14:25:21","modified_gmt":"2015-07-14T14:25:21","slug":"10-remotes","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/www.pdangelo.com\/site\/10-remotes\/","title":{"rendered":"#10: Remotes"},"content":{"rendered":"

\"remote<\/a><\/p>\n

Remotes<\/p>\n


\nI have so many remote controls, it\u2019s ridiculous\u2026
\nI have a remote control for the TV\u2026 another remote for the cable box and another for the Home Theater system\u2026 there\u2019s one for my DVD player\u2026 and also a remote for the CD player.
\nIt\u2019s confusing\u2026 I can\u2019t keep them all straight.
\nA few years ago, in 2012, I renovated my living room and got a brand-new, wide-screen, high-definition television.
\nThe first time I was watching my new high-def TV, I was in my living room, viewing the news coverage of Hurricane Sandy that was battering the coastline of the Northeast United States.
\nI had the remote in my hand while I was talking to my friend on the phone and he asked me what I was doing.
\nI told my buddy on the other end, \u201cI\u2019m watching the live coverage of Hurricane Sandy from New Jersey and you not going to believe me\u2026 in fact, you\u2019re going to think I\u2019m out of my mind\u2026 but, my right hand to God, the quality of the picture on this new high-definition TV is so incredibly realistic, I swear I can actually feel the winds from the hurricane blowing right through my living room.\u201d
\nMy friend laughed and said, \u201cHa ha! What the hell are you smoking, Paul? A TV can\u2019t do that.\u201d
\nI said, \u201cI thought so too, but I swear to you on my life, I am not kidding! \u2026 I am telling you, the resolution on this new TV screen is so convincing I can feel a distinct breeze coming from the storm.\u201d
\n\u201cYou\u2019re losing your mind, Paul. That\u2019s impossible.\u201d
\n\u201cI\u2019m not making this up! Every now and then they\u2019ll show the hurricane winds blowing on my new TV and then, at about the same time, I\u2019ll get hit with a corresponding blast of air on my living room couch.\u201d
\n\u201cI\u2019m sorry to disappoint you, Paul, but the technology is not that advanced yet. There has to be a reasonable explanation for it.\u201d
\n\u201cWell, I\u2019m not imagining it\u2026 and, if you don\u2019t believe me, come over and see for yourself.\u201d
\nI pressed another button on the remote control and said\u2026 \u201cEvery time I\u2026 THERE! I TOLD YOU! THERE IT IS! HOLY SHIT, IT JUST HAPPENED AGAIN! SEE THAT? YOU DIDN\u2019T BELIEVE ME!!\u201d
\n\u201cWhat happened, Paul?\u201d
\n\u201cI was playing with the remote again and, just like I told you, I just felt another gust of wind coming from the New Jersey shore\u2026 and I did NOT dream that! I felt it, clear as day!\u201d
\nThat\u2019s when I looked down and realized that I was mistakenly holding the remote control for my new ceiling fan.
\n\u201cUhhh, forget everything I just said\u2026 I gotta go, bye.\u201d (click)
\nIf that wasn\u2019t enough, I recently added yet another remote control to my collection.
\nThis one is for my new air-conditioner.
\nOne night I came home after having a couple drinks. I was sitting on the couch and grabbed the remote for my television\u2026 but I looked down and realized that I had actually picked-up the remote for my air-conditioning unit.
\nI was bored, so I wondered what would happen if I pointed the air-conditioner remote at my TV set.
\nThe A\/C had five different temperature settings, so I aimed the remote control at the TV and hit the first button that said COOL.
\nI got a commercial for Klondike ice-cream bars.
\nI shrugged and thought to myself, \u201cHmmmm, that\u2019s interesting. Those are cool\u2026 but it really doesn\u2019t prove anything.\u201d
\nSo I pressed the next temperature control button.
\nThis one was labeled COOLER\u2026 and I got the movie, \u2018The Big Chill.\u2019
\nHmmmm. Strange for sure, but I still wasn\u2019t convinced there was any correlation.
\nI thought, \u201cIt\u2019s gotta just be a coincidence\u201d but, at this point, my curiosity was aroused and I pushed the next button on the remote that said COLD.
\nThis time the TV turned to that animated Christmas special where Rudolph was prancing around in the snow going, \u201cShe thinks I\u2019m cute!… She thinks I\u2019m cute!\u201d<\/em>
\nNow I\u2019m scratching my head and contemplating, \u201cWhy is that Christmas show on in the middle of July? This is getting a little weird.\u201d
\nI had two settings left, so I pointed the A\/C remote at my TV again and hit the button that said VERY COLD.
\nWhen I did, I got a documentary about Mount Everest. An expedition of mountain climbers was stuck in a raging blizzard on the side of the mountain, enduring bitter temperatures as they huddled against the howling, icy winds.
\n\u201cWhoa, that\u2019s definitely something that\u2019s \u2018very cold.\u2019 This is truly bizarre!\u201d
\nFinally, I hit the last button on the air conditioner\u2019s remote control.
\nThis was the one that read, MAXIMUM \/ FRIGID.
\nWouldn\u2019t you know it? I got a press conference featuring Hillary Clinton!
\nBrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr!
\nWhoaaa\u2026 Now THAT\u2019S<\/em> chilly!<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

Remotes<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"closed","ping_status":"closed","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"_exactmetrics_skip_tracking":false,"_exactmetrics_sitenote_active":false,"_exactmetrics_sitenote_note":"","_exactmetrics_sitenote_category":0,"jetpack_post_was_ever_published":false,"_jetpack_newsletter_access":"","_jetpack_dont_email_post_to_subs":false,"_jetpack_newsletter_tier_id":0,"_jetpack_memberships_contains_paywalled_content":false,"_jetpack_memberships_contains_paid_content":false,"footnotes":"","jetpack_publicize_message":"","jetpack_publicize_feature_enabled":true,"jetpack_social_post_already_shared":true,"jetpack_social_options":{"image_generator_settings":{"template":"highway","enabled":false},"version":2}},"categories":[1],"tags":[22,24,25,29,32,60,61,62],"class_list":["post-1016","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-blog","tag-paul-dangelo","tag-comedy","tag-comedian","tag-humor","tag-comic","tag-remotes","tag-remote-controls","tag-hilary-clinton"],"jetpack_publicize_connections":[],"aioseo_notices":[],"jetpack_featured_media_url":"","jetpack_sharing_enabled":true,"jetpack_shortlink":"https:\/\/wp.me\/p614ww-go","_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.pdangelo.com\/site\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/1016","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.pdangelo.com\/site\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.pdangelo.com\/site\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.pdangelo.com\/site\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/1"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.pdangelo.com\/site\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=1016"}],"version-history":[{"count":1,"href":"https:\/\/www.pdangelo.com\/site\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/1016\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":1017,"href":"https:\/\/www.pdangelo.com\/site\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/1016\/revisions\/1017"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.pdangelo.com\/site\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=1016"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.pdangelo.com\/site\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=1016"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.pdangelo.com\/site\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=1016"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}